Dating Detox

Salut,

sitting in a crowded bus, was reading my job emails with one hand and drinking a coffee with the other, while sitting on only half a seat because the big guy sitting besides me is taking one and a half... Ho well... at least he was there before me and didn't just sit on me as some people do sometimes when you're sitting on a small two places seat before they come invade your bubble...

Talking about invading other people's bubble, I have been looking for new friends on Facebook recently... Like I didn't have enough already... So I realized that it is probably a way for me to compensate for the urge I sometimes feel to go back on the Internet Dating scene when I feel too lonely... But I don't want to go back there... I need to find myself first, before I could find someone else to share with... I had someone very special available for me recently, and I couldn't feel it as I should have... As I wanted... As I once did... And it is not the first time it happens... So I need to fix this...

So I decided to invest more in friendships instead... Reconnect with my long time friends that I have neglected for the past few years, because I was too busy either trying to save my marriage, or looking for a new one... And recently... I realized... That I kind of lost myself in there... somewhere....

So I decided to stop dating... But I know myself... I have lived through this before... I remember when I broke up with a girlfriend, thinking that I would be better off alone for a while... and I got back on the Internet dating scene, as soon as I got a kids free weekend after the split...

But not this time... I'm not going back there... And it's funny, because my friend GG (also known as Lili on my French blog) decided that she would try it (Internet Dating), and she's asking me for advice... Interesting twist... the table keeps on turning... :-)

To help myself go through the severance of not browsing Internet Dating sites, looking for the love of my life, I go through Facebook instead, and look for new friends, (e.g., in my existing friends' friends lists). It's kind of like nicotine patches :-)... But, as I was saying, I want to invest more in friendships anyway... And I'm starting to believe that love at first sight is just one way of falling in love. It can also start through a friendship that slowly morphs into love... But in our quick paced modern life, we want it to go quicker, we don't want to wait, we prefer to zap and see what's playing on the other channels... But as was sang before... You can't hurry love... no you just have to wait... :-)

BYE
MAD

Sex-Evolution

Salut,

it's been a while... I know... I also neglected my French blog for a while, but I started being more regular there recently, so I thought I'd ping this one today... Don't know why but, sitting in the train this morning, trying to rest with my head against the wall besides the side seat where I dropped off my body less then 20 minutes after I dragged it out of bed, about seven hours after it finally fell asleep last night, I was thinking about sex... Maybe because I'm not getting much of it these days (if you read my French blog, you know that I decided to take a break from my eternal quest for love)... Or maybe because we had an interesting discussion about it with friends last night...

I was at a couple of friends place and we were playing boardgames... It was a lot of fun by the way. We don't do it enough, friends getting together, and also play board games.... So I'm trying to remember now, how I got to think about this sex-evolution thingy a few minutes ago... Was it while I was thinking about the conversation we had last night, or was it that woman sitting in front of me that is really not attracting for my own taste... I don't know... But I got into thinking about how men evolve sexually with age by getting to think more and more about the women's pleasure and often put it in front of their own... And how women often go the other around... They finally start thinking more about their own pleasure(s)... :-)

Yesterday, while talking about this with my friends, I was telling them how being faithful with the same woman for over 16 years (from the age of 22 to 39), I could see a big change in the women I was with (and also a change in my own self) from my early twenties to my early forties...

Women in their forties are much more open with sexuality, and especially with « their own » sexuality (at least the ones I've been close enough to)... Whereas in their early « twenties » it seemed to be more about giving sex to men as opposed to getting sex from them (or I should say “with” them)... And I had an interesting thought about “why this is”... while my head was resting against the wall besides me... :-)

Younger men have a tendency to only think about their own pleasure, and think that women will simply have pleasure just... just... just because... you know... Man is pleased... so... woman should be pleased too right? So all in all, most young men don't know much about women's pleasure(s)... right? But women don't need to know much about men's pleasure to satisfy them... At least not the basic stuff... Men are easy... and lazy... :-)

I get the feeling that younger women take a little while before noticing that most young men are clumsy in bed... Most of them will be too shy to help them (some lucky guys, like I was, will meet women early on that will have the guts to let them know how it all works ;-)... So I'm guessing that younger women are not looking as much for men that are good in bed, because they don't know yet that most of them are not, they put more emphasis on properly satisfying the men that they are very attracted to, but this attraction comes from outside of the bed...

With time, they start getting bored in bed with those clumsy men that they don't dare educate, and they get to a point where they think they don't need sex that much... And their men start being frustrated, because they're not getting enough, and thus they either start cheating, or start getting more and more interested in their woman's pleasure... Maybe if she starts having more fun in bed, she'll want to have more sex... And that's all that “us stupid men” want, right? More sex... And with age... We also want... Better sex... Because we know that it will hep us get more sex... But we eventually get to learn that we can also have stronger pleasures ourselves, if we pay more attention to women's pleasures... Of course... :-)

So with time, and age, sex gets better, for both men and women. Because the aging younger woman that starts being bored with her clumsy boyfriend, will either quit him, and start going out with other men, now being more picky with their abilities in bed... or cheat on them just to see if the problem is on their side... You know... Just to check.. try it out... Just in case...

And some women, will soon realize that men get better in bed as they age, like good wine... ;-)... So they will start dating older men... But if women are also getting better in bed as they age, why would older men date younger women??? Ho... Yeah... I forgot... Men are stupid... They just want more sex... :-)

So... This is my morning train ride reflexion... And don't ask me why I decided to write it in English... I have no clue... The friends I was with last night are not even Anglophones (and no, we didn't have a “ménage a trois”, we were really playing « board » games, at it was a lot of fun!!! :-)... Actually, I think it is because of the title... When I had this thought about the evolution of our sex abilities as we age, the term « Sex-evolution » came to mind, and I pronounced it in English in my head... And... I have been toying with the idea of writing an English blog post recently...

And no, they weren't sexually oriented board games we played last night, it was the Québec French version of Trivial Pursuit, and a robot programming game that I forgot the name of (some sort of robot catch the flag battle kind of thingy, and yes, there was an 'L' in the word fLag... ;-)...

Train is reaching destination, I'm getting to the bottom of the second page, so I will soon reach a conclusion... I don't know what it will be, since most of what I write here, I think about it as I write it, with no preparation whatsoever (except for a theme and a few catchy lines that may have popped out of my crazy brain earlier)...

So I will simply say goodbye and wish that whatever your age is, you have a healthy and enjoyable sex life that will only get better as you get older... At least, I wish it for myself :-)...

Have Fun!!!

:-P

BYE
MAD
P.S.: I made a conscious decision, not to add any photos or even links to this blog post... I was afraid to get too far on the subject of... you know... sssseeeexxxxxx.... :-)

One in a million

Salut,

sitting in the bus, first morning of my regular schedule where I dropped the kids to school... Well one kid at school and the other one at her moms place from where she'll take a bus in about 45 minutes...

Today's subject, « one in a million » could have been about my chances of becoming a rock star when I'm actually more suited to be a rocket scientists with another type of stars. No, no, I'm taking about the probabilities of finding Mr Right (or Mrs Right in my case of course)... The one where all three levels of compatibility will be fully reciprocal. The one with a perfect 10 at each level. And the one for which we are the perfect 10.

It's easy... to compute... If we agree that there are three levels of compatibility (that I like to call, again, the 3C when I describe them in French), physical, rational and emotional... Let's say that there is one out of 10 people that you find attractive, and out of all those that you find attractive, there is only one out of ten that you would find interesting, at least at a friendly level... That would make only one out of 100... And since falling in love is not that easy, even with our best friends, how ever good they look, let's say, again, that only one out of 10 would trigger a strong enough emotion s that you would be willing to share your whole life them... We get to one out of 1000... Not bad... But then... Comes reciprocity...

For that person to what to share their life with you, you must be one out of 1000 for them... So the compounded probabilities of Mr and Mrs Right to find each other, is.... 1... out of.... 1 000 000!!! So this is where the expression “she's one in a million” starts making more sense...

But in a small town like Montreal, where we are about 3 millions inhabitant (if you count the close enough suburbs), this would be that there are only 3 that would be perfect for me... Ho... But since I didn't resort to homosexuality yet, and let's say that there is about the same amount of woman as there are men, then there is only one and a half...

And if that 1 accepted less than perfection and is already with someone else... Then I'm left with the other half... And who would want just half a lover?

But this is just numbers... If you cut your expectations in half, the combined probabilities, don't just cut in half the result... Let's say you find one person out of 5 attractive enough, and 1 out of five witty enough, and 1 out of 5 emotionally fulfilling... And expect the same expectations from the other, then you are now at 1 out of 5 * 5 * 5 * 5 * 5 * 5 which is roughly 15 000... So in the 1.5 million people of the proper gender for you, there is at least 100 to choose from... A little better than 1.5... ;-)

This is all fun and games (until someone loses his heart :-), but there is not magic formula, the magic is there... or not.. And you can't force it... And it has to be reciprocal... But you should never stop trying to find it... It may be hiding somewhere... Because if you stop believing in it, if you stop dreaming... For sure... Your dreams won't come true... You will never find the magic if you don't look for it...

So I made may decision... I want to dream with my eyes wide open, looking for magic... How about you?

BYE
MAD

I feel boring...

sitting in the 9:32 bus... I have a hard time getting up these days... I don't sleep well, so I don't feel rested when I wake up... well... I should say... the last time I wake up... Cause I wake up a lot during the night... Sleep like a baby... Wake up every hour... almost... :-)

Those who also read my French blog already know a bit more about how I feel these days, but for the others, let's just say that I'm still a bit shaken by my last failure at a relationship attempt with that nice woman I was portraying as a new book here and then as a boat... Well... It didn't float... The book sank... :-/

I also spent a lot of time with my kids this summer, cause their mom went to Europe with her boyfriend... which is fine, I'm happy for them, and I'm glad to take care of my kids... but I find it tiring... Especially when my two weeks of summer vacations are usually dedicated to my kids... We do stuff for them... And I'm very happy to make them happy...

But did I mention I feel tired... ??? :-)

The funny thing is... I seem unable to say I'm bored... Instead... I feel boring... Because I can't blame anybody but me for the way I feel (and I actually believe that very strongly)... I was always like that... But more recently, I seem to have more trouble with it... Most probably because I now allow myself to FEEL more... And thus, from time to time, I must pay the price of giving more room to my feelings, and experience the negative ones... It's part of the game.

But back to my subject, this little turmoil of emotions that I let loose these days... makes me feel uninteresting... This is a bit weird, because my brain tells me that I'm a very interesting guy, far from being boring... And I have a few good friends (and family) to conform it...

It's a bit like when I feel I'm not good enough as a dad for my kids, and, of course... They think I'm the greatest (and again, friends and family also praise my dad skills)... So why do I feel like I'm not good enough?

Why do I feel boring? Am I asking too much of myself? How do I stop?

I have not clue... So these days... And just let it flow... Let's see where the sea will take me this time...

to be continued...

BYE
MAD

Something's missing...

Sitting in the bus... on a rainy day... it is true that "weather changes mood" as Kurt Cobain was singing in the hit "In bloom" from Nirvana's first successful album Nevermind (and now part of Rock Band). And as I said in a previous post, music is a very good way to express, repress, depress and compress feelings :-)...

Just before I got out of the car which I left in the parking lot at the bus stop (yeah, I know, I'm only half green), Chad Kroeger and his Nickelback crew was singing that "There's gotta be Somebody for me out there", and I want to keep on believing it, but it is not always easy... Especially when the rest of my life is going so damn well, that it's kind of scary...

It's true... It seems to scare away some women that feels my life has been way to easy and I won't be able to cope with theirs. And I don't argue, I have had quite an easy life so far (if we forget about the lack of true love, which I have felt just enough to know it's there, but not quite enough for it to stick around). I was telling a friend over lunch this week that I think I have reached a level of general happiness that is quite satisfying for my needs... I realized that with age, we get to reach more and more happiness, and I think that we also learn to need (or maybe expect) less (at least, some of us are able to)... And so my friend said: "Great you should be proud and feel lucky!"...

Yet, still... I feel that something is missing... Is it just love? But then, when I find it, will I be done? It always amazed me that so many things can not just reach a level of "good enough" and stay there. Companies need to make more profit every year, otherwise they sink... How come? We also seem to need to continuously grow, otherwise we shrink... somehow... Can't we just plainly benefit from what we have done so far and enjoy it at the present tense?

Everybody says "live in the present", but it is so much easier said than done. How many of us are able to do it? Of course, for the ones like me who have kids and put their kids lives ahead of their own (at least until they can take care of it on their own, and even then), we do have something to live for, and work for and look after... and even look for... If we don't grow as much as we used to, we can help them grow (and it actually makes us grow by rebound of course). But we are not just parents, we are also individuals... We also need to grow on our own... Like we hope our kids will when they reach our age.

There is a song I really like from John Mayer which is called "Something's missing" and it expresses very well what I'm trying to say here:

I'm not alone.
I wish I was.
'Cause then I'd know.
I was down because.
I couldn't find.
A friend around.
To love me like.
They do right now...

That's the first verse of the song... really powerful to me... How about you?

There's also an interesting line in the middle (that I really hope doesn't apply to me):

I can't be sure that this state of mind
Is not of my own design

And then the Chorus and the ending are also very good... I would even say... Clever... ;-)

Somethings's missing
And I don't know how to fix it.
Somethings's missing
And I don't know what it is.
No I don't know what it is... at all...

Friends - Check
Money - Check
Well slept - Check
Opposite Sex - Check
Guitar - Check
Microphone - Check
Messages waiting on when I come home - Check

Of course... Love isn't.... Check...

BYE
MAD

Passing ships

Unless we live secluded from the rest of the world... We keep meeting new people... Some of them become close friends, others are just acquaintance, and many many more just pass us by... Like passing ships in the night... Sometimes not even noticing each other... Yet sometimes, we catch a glimpse of light in their eye, a slight interest, but it unfortunately fades away... As both ships sail their own way...

I sometimes live these little moments, not on ships, but in trivial places like a sidewalk, a bus or a train... Or in weirder places like a sugar shack... even at the grocery... Yet... our shopping carts... just like passing ships... just stroll through their own separate aisles...

And in our modern days of connection technologies, we can meet great people via the Internet, even if we live all the way across a metropolitan area and would never get to walk on the same sidewalk, or take the same train nor bus, and would unlikely go to the same sugar shack at the same time, and definitely not shop at the same grocery...

And we can get to know more about each other, using words and images... And fuel the need to see each other in real life... Spend some time together... To touch each other... And enjoy it... Yet still... As those strangers that exchange a glimpse... our ships just pass by each other... may sail for a while side by side... and eventually drift away... not completely sure why... It just happens...

Whether love or friendship grow from these encounters... or not... We are still transformed by them... They leave a long lasting trace in our mind and in our heart... That make us who we are... now... and for the rest of our lives...

BYE
MAD

The sea of Love

The stories of my growing discovery of interesting women took the form of books when I shared them with you here. The image of the book recently became a boat on a recent post to my French blog. Once again, the book closed itself on me, the wind blew our sails in different directions and I must now seek new shores again...

The sailor in me seems to be bound to the sea (even though, in real life, I'm actually, psychologically, scared of water :-)... From island to island, I discover new treasures, yet I can't find a place to rest my old pirate bones...

I guess I will have to learn to enjoy the sea, with its high tides, perfect storms and even the quietest colorful horizons... I must learn to be patient... And just enjoy the current moment... Whether I'm on dry land... or at large...

BYE
MAD

Openeing the book...

Salut,

yesterday, I was very happy to finally get to put my eyes on that new book I was telling you about a few months back... It was "très cool"...

We've been chatting through the virtual tubes that make up this huge thing called Internet. Though it is very useful to meet and exchange with people without leaving your house (let's say you are being held captive by aliens or theorists, you can still flirt, it's pretty cool :-)... But at one point, you need the real thing... The facial expressions, the movements, the pheromones, and all those other things that make us more or less interesting to each others.

While driving there... when I crossed the last bridge... just a few hundred meters before I reach the destination... I felt a little nervous... nervous is good... I used to not be nervous... too confident... and this was not good... But yesterday... I was a little nervous... and I liked it... And I realized that these next few hundred meters... those next few minutes... would be the last one that I live "before" meeting her (yes, a she-book :-)... Before finally seeing in the "real world", that book I've been thinking about for a few months already... Yes... time flies...

So I tried to hold on that nervous feeling for as long as I could... cease the moment... Because it won't come back... once I meet her... Once I open the book.. I won't be able to see her again for the first time anymore... I won't be able to say that I have not opened the book yet... I won't be able to wish for that first moment to finally happen... It will have happened...

But this is not to say that I won't get to wish for the next time I get to put my hands on that great book... to see her in the real world again... And I wish that I will always be able to see her as if it was the first time we saw each other... this is the magic we are all looking for... Right?... But before I actually did meet her, I didn't know if we were going to want to see each other again... So I savored that moment... That nervous feeling... For as long as I could... just in case... :-)

And you know what? We do want to see each other again... We don't know when yet (modern parenting life with split custody can make things so much harder for us... But then again... Being a parent is so cool :-)... At least, we know we both want to... So I guess... It's time to start wishing again... And hope for that next moment... When we get to see each other... and discover more about each other... in the "real world"... :-)

To be continued...

BYE
MAD

Time flies...

Salut,

sitting in the train... got here unusually early... Yet still... Time flies... especially when you fly to time square for a weekend...I was recently spoiled with a quick surprise New-York City trip, and we missed the plane coming back... time really flies... you'll soon be able to read more details on my MAD-Voyages blog...

I have not written here in a long time so I wanted to leave you a quick trace as I was preparing to write about my NYC trip... I think I'll try to change my writing habit a bit and see if I can write smaller posts, yet more often...

I could also tell you about some of the reasons why I have not written more recently... I could tell you again about my French blog for which I invest a bit more time now... Or my job causing a virtual slowdown... Or my new passion for Open Mic Nights... But if I start in any of those directions, I won't be able to make this a quick post... Anyway, I already talked about those things already... So I'll stop here... For now... ;-)

See you soon!!!

And HAVE FUN!

BYE
MAD the busy bee...

P.S.: Ho... and I turned 43 yesterday...

P.P.S.: Time really flies!!! :-O

Madly MAD -> MADeries en Français

Salut,

just to let you know that I started writing a little more on my French blog... In case you would be interested... http://madecoste.blogspot.com... Enjoy...

And don't worry... I will continue to write to this blog here... Once in a while...

BYE
MAD

LonelyMAD

Sitting in the train... Just leaving the downtown station... Going back home early (for a Monday) because the mother of my kids needed me to take care of them tonight. She has some sort of activity tonight and after my trip to Mexico a few weeks ago, I owe her a few nights anyway... And since I totally forgot about this, I accepted an invitation to a Creators Club meeting tonight... I fortunately found a baby sitter to take over just before the kids get to bed, because we always have trouble finding time where all members of the club are available... And it would be sad to miss it, it's a very interesting part of my artistic life...

Anyway, this is why I'm in a train so early today... a Monday... And actually, in a train at all, since I usually take the bus when I have the opportunity to work later to compensate for the nights where I go home early to pick up the kids (guess I'll have to find some other time to compensate this week, most probably when the kids are asleep on Wednesday and Thursday, since tomorrow night, is Open Mike Night ;-)... And this is because the trains to my place don't run very late... This is why I usually take the bus if I don't have to go pickup the kids...

So... When I stepped out of the train this morning, after I finished reading the “Last Lecture”, I couldn't help thinking about where my life is going these days... And I felt lonely... Not that I'm all alone... I have great kids, many impressive friends, and I also love my job and my co-workers... And this very cute blond I was following out of the train, almost all the way to the office... She took one last turn out of my way and I had to watch her walk away from me without the slightest idea that I was watching her, and finding her beautiful, graceful, attractive, interesting, and all those other qualifiers that should have motivated me to talk to her... But I didn't...

So... Anyway... I'm not alone, but as I say in one of the songs I wrote for the Khrônos album from the band Continuum that I was a part of in the early nineties, you can be “Living a lonely life, while never being alone.” And that's how I feel these days...

But my first reflex is to push back on this feeling, force a smile on my face and move on with my usual laid back, optimist, positive, easy going and (hopefully) funny attitude... But not this morning... As I have been trying not to push back on other feelings these past few years, I realized this morning that it is OK to feel lonely... And I decided to give a name to that part of me that I've been ignoring for too long... LonelyMAD...

As for ParanoMAD (which I also talked about previously), LonelyMAD is an integral part of me... And I also got to realize that MultiMAD suits me very well, and not just for my multiple artistic creation fields (http://www.multimad.com), it also expresses very well my multiple personalities. Again, as I said before about ParanoMAD, I realized one day that I wouldn't be able to shut him up so I learned to live with it. Instead of shutting him up, I learned to control how I react to its whispering...

So today, I decided I would do the same thing with LonelyMAD. Instead of trying to shut him up as I used to do... I will let him express himself, but I need to be careful, and keep a good grasp at how I let my behavior get influenced by its whispers.

Recently, LonelyMAD has pushed me back to the Internet dating game to help me find the love of my life... Though it is possible to find gems there (some people did it), it is far from being a sure thing (as the bar scene, the coffee scene, the sports scene or any other scene where we can meet people are no sure things either)... So I don't have too much hope about it... But it still brings me some satisfaction to just browse, search and make a few attempts... It gives me the false impression that I'm getting closer... Even though... You know... Still... It's a bit comforting in some way... It kind of help me cope with LonelyMAD...

Note that I'm very confident that I'm a very interesting guy (at least for a good proportion of the female population), and there are many very interesting women out there... I sometimes wonder if there are enough that are single to give me the opportunity of meeting one that will be a good fit for me (and I will be a good fit for her) because, in theory, interesting people shouldn't stay single very long... But I've been single for a little while myself now, so there must be a few women in the same situation... We also become more picky with age and experience so we don't rematch so easily, thus stay single a little longer, so there should be a good probability of meeting her... Yet... it's a only probability... we'll see...

Randy Pausch (the author of the Last Lecture), met the love of his life and mother of his children when he was in his late 30s, and he seems like a great man... So I guess I should count myself very lucky to have met a great woman in my early 20s and have 2 great kids with her even though it didn't work out to be the love of my life... I'm only in my early 40s... I still have a lot of time to meet the love of my life... Unlike others who didn't even live to turn 40, or 50, or 60, or whatever... You know what I mean...

So I would like to finish this post by thanking Randolph Pausch for sharing his great life experience with us, even though he didn't get to turn 50, and didn't get to see his kids grow to teenage... Still... he will inspire many of us now, and generations to come, to live a great life... Whether we find true love... or not...

BYE
MAD
P.S.; Don't worry about me... I'm still HAVING FUN!!! ;-)
P.P.S.: Just feeling a little lonely, that's all...

What am I up to?

sitting in the train... Typing the date and realizing it is April fools day today... I could have used this to tell you a ridiculously foolish and incredible story... But you probably wouldn't have noticed since I already feel ridiculously foolish and incredible in my day to day life... So I will stick to my original idea and tell you about what I am up to these days...

Last night was another interesting Open Mic Night at the Arts Café... we had a lot of fun and I even got one of my university buddies to join in for the first time and he came to play the piano and sing one of the songs he wrote... It was a lot of fun... And I think that this is what life is all about... Having a lot of fun... I told about the three laws of the meaning of life in a previous post, and the 3rd is about having fun... as long as we don't break the second law which is to be kind and even help those around us as long as we don't break the first law which is to be kind and even help the generations to come... as much as we can... of course... because we don't all have the same skill set and energy to save the world, but we should still all do our part...

Freud (and many others actually), have concluded that there two main driving forces that help us make decisions: Pleasure and Pain... We want to avoid pain, because we must survive, and if our ancestors were not driven by the will to survive, I wouldn't be here, sitting in this train, writing this post and you wouldn't be there (wherever you are), reading it... And pleasure... well... we all know how good it is... And the main one, is the pleasure of sex so that we can reproduce... and again... Just imagine if our ancestors wouldn't have done it... right?
So to survive in a pleasant way, we still need to go through some pain (that some of us may find more painful than others), do the grocery, cook, wash the dishes, go shopping, do some renovation, cleanup the house, pay our bills, go to work, drive the kids to social activities (whether they do sports or arts), etc... etc... But we must also leave some room in this busy schedule for our own little pleasures (and not just the one driven by our reproductive glands, whether we take care of it alone, or with a loved one), spend some time with friends, have a drink, sing a song, play games, do some sport, go see a movie, a concert, any kind of show, read a book, write a poem, etc...

Now that doesn't tell you much about what I am up to these days... Well... a little bit... cause if you know me a bit by now, you know that I live through my words... I practice what I preach...

So I go through those little pains that are worth suffering to better enjoy a pleasant survival, like the grocery, cooking, washing the dishes, cleaning up the house and driving the kids around... Note that I didn't put going to work in there... Not that I quit my job (though it would have made an interesting April fools joke :-), but must I admit, I'm lucky enough to enjoy my job and it is actually a pleasure to go to work. So once the choirs are done and the kids are happy (I also admit that having them just half the time helps a little bit, though that "only half the time" I have them, I have to take care of them alone, so I guess it evens out a little bit), I then have some time for myself... So what do I do with it? What am I up to?

As I wrote in my first post on my French blog MADeries, deciding what we do with our time, is the only decision we need to (and can) take... As I said above, we are driven by pain and pleasure, but only to take this crucial decision: "what do I do with my time?"... Time is interesting... Because it is limited, though most of us don't really know how much we have left... Time can NOT be stopped or slowed down (unfortunately), though we can get the impression that its speed varies sometimes (gee... my train is almost at its destination now... Wow... time flies...)... And... of course... we can't go back in time... Too bad... it's done... asta la vista baby...

So what do I do with my time these days... well... music started taking a bit more of my time... I love to go to these Open Mic Tuesday nights (a good thing they are on Tuesdays, I "almost" never have my kids on tuesday nights)... I also need to finish composing the music to go with my Novel... I recently needed to move my music to a new WEB site because I used to have (music.download.com) has closed. So while you are here, note that you can now access my music on Last.fm (I also moved the music of Continuum there). I also took this opportunity to update the Music section of MultiMAD.com.

Ho... and I also wanted to tell you that I have been cheating on you again... Well.. at least... I had given you an early warning... I spend quite a lot of time writing on my vacations blog (in French, sorry, it's very nice language though, you should try to learn it if you don't already know it :-). And of course, uploading, tagging and adding legends to all the 338 photos that I found good enough from the roughly 800 photos I took during my trip to Mexico with GG.

And, of course, I have been continuing my quest for the ultimate pleasure, the one for which we would accept to suffer all the pains of this world... LOVE!!! I have not found it yet, I don't even have a solid prospect... That new book I was exploring is not very responsive, so I get the feeling that she is not as interested in turning my pages to discover me more and I am about her... I'm toying with the idea to push her a little harder to open herself to me... But then again, it might be better for me to put her back on the shelf and browse for other books... More open... Closer... More interested... and yet very interesting... we'll see...

To be continued...

BYE
MAD
P.S.: Never, ever, forget to have fun!!! :-)

Feeling interesting...

Salut,

Laying on my back in my little living room sofa, listening to the silence after the end of the last track of the Dark Horse album from Nickelback... Very good album, I like it a lot, especially the hit single Gotta be somebody, suits me pretty well. And now the washer's buzz is calling me for another load... I'll be back in a sec... Don't move... I'll be back.

OK, so now that the washer and dryer are spinning in sync, and that John Mayer's Continuum CD replaces Nickelback's Dark horse in the sound system, I can come back to what I was telling you about... What was I talking about again? Most probably nothing.... right?...As usual... :-) There is nothing like having chips and beer and talk about nothing while the sun is shining against a bright blue sky... Maybe I should go play outside... I will... I will... :-)

OK, more seriously (if I can), I started publishing the blog posts that I wrote (literally, like... on paper... wow... ;-) while I was on vacation last week. As I said a few post ago, you can find them on http://mad-voyages.blogpost.com. Some people started reading it and are already asking for more... This is pretty cool... An old friend of mine even said that it reads like candy and that I'm about to replace his Saturday morning news paper reading... Cool... :-)

It feels soooo gooooood to know that people find you interesting... At least it does for me... If you read some of my previous posts like A musical feeling or Wanting and/or dreaming, you already know that about me. But come on... We all love to be interesting, right? OK, some people needs it more than others, some people live to attract other people's attention, while others would rather stay un-noticed... But in the end, when we realize that someone truly finds us interesting, it's a GREAT feeling, isn't it?

Some of us sometimes wonder what the hell am I doing with my life? Why was I born? Do I have a purpose on this little blue planet? Some people will turn to god or a specific religion to answer this question... I prefer to look within myself (though some might argue that it's kind of the same thing)... Ho... the washer or dryer buzz again... It will have to wait now... I'm on a roll... :-)

Knowing that some people find you interesting... That there are things that you can do that can touch others... That you can make a positive difference in their lives as so many others have made a positive difference in yours... Isn't this a great purpose?... If my writing can make a difference in people's life, even if it just to entertain them on a regular basis, then my passage here will not have been for nothing (even if I often write about... nothing :-)... As I wrote in one of my first efforts at creative writing, in an essay presumptuously titled "Le sens de la vie" (aka The meaning of life), I see three laws governing our lives, similar to Azimov's laws of robotics:

1. Thou shall help improve society as a whole so that our descendants can live a great life.
   
2. Thou shall be good to others around us now and make their life more enjoyable, but not the detriment of upcoming generations, of course.
   
3. Thou shall treat yourself and enjoy life to its fullest, but not the detriment of others around us and neither to upcoming generations, of course.
   

Isn't this interesting? :-)...
Of course, being interesting for a special someone, is an even greater experience (as I talked a bit about when I was flying to Cuba last year). As Chad Kroeger sings "Nobody wants to be the last one there, and everyone wants to feel like someone cares. Is there somebody else that feels the same somewhere? There has gotta be somebody for me out there."... Gotta be somebody... But it's not from the lack of self confidence or not being interesting enough, or even too picky (as some might say)... And it's not like I feel so lonely, I'm lucky enough to have many very good friends, and great kids... It's just that...

This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing.
I'll know it by the feeling.
The moment when we´re meeting
Will play out like a scene straight off the silver screen
So I`ll be holdin’ my breath
Right up to the end
Until that moment when
I find the one that I'll spend forever with
[...]

BYE
MAD
P.S.: HAVE FUN!!! :-)

Open Mic Nights

Salut,

sitting in a café... not the bus the train or my sofa this time... It's a nice little place near my kids school where I used to go often before I switched jobs 2 years ago... now that I can have breakfast at work (including a very good coffee machine) I don't get to come here as often... But this morning, I wanted to take the train. I must come back home early tonight to pickup my kids at school, and also I'll be more comfortable to type the blog posts I wrote on a notepad while I was on vacation...

I didn't get to start that process yet because I worked late on Monday, and last night I went to sing at an Open mic night at the Arts Café... I started doing that about a month ago and it is a lot of fun...

The first time I tried it, I decided to try out the piano. I started playing more and more piano in the past few years (having a good electronic piano with a real piano touch in the living room helps a lot). Also, I learned "Your song" from Elton John recently, and one of my most "popular" composition (Emotion Recall) renders pretty well on the piano (though I also play it OK on the guitar).

Damn! I just tried to give you a link to the recording of Emotion Recall on music.download.com, but they took it down and it now redirects to lastfm.com and the content isn't there, I will have to re-upload it... snif... snif... Ho well... But I do have a recording of my performance for that night, on YouTube.

So back to open mic night, my first appearance was actually a good humility lesson... First, there are a lot of very talented (and very young artists there). Second... I had not practice "Your song" a lot before presenting it there (too confident?), and I missed every second chord or so (but I managed to keep my voice on the right track at least... It's a good way to accept the fact that I'm still a computer programmer as opposed to a performing artist... But it still doesn't stop me from dreaming about it and go back to perform at the Arts Café on Tuesday nights, as often as I can ;-)... And also, I proved, once again, that a good sense of humor can compensate for a lot of things... All I had to do was change the lyrics here and there to insert jokes about my bad piano player performance to still entertain people and make them appreciate my performance.

The following week, I went back with my guitar. I played another cover, but this time I played one that I have been playing for almost 20 years now (Losing my religion). And I played my personal favorite composition (Fais-moi rêver). And after the night, we went to jam at one of the performers apartment... It was a blast... We were 6 guitar players, a harmonica player and a few female signers... Très cool...

So the week after that, I was more confident, and I decided to play the piano again. My friend GG was there to encourage me, so nothing could go wrong... And all went pretty well... I sang a French song that I render pretty well on the piano (Dis-tout sans rien dire) and then played another composition (most people do that, one cover and one original), which is one of the first good songs that I wrote (at least the first good one I wrote in French), and it is called "Belle Isabelle".

So last night, I decided to continue the alternating pattern and go back with my guitar this time... I played, again, two songs... One cover (Father and son from Cat Stevens) and one original (La couleur des rêves, for which I don't have a good recording yet, soon... maybe)... The overall room mood wasn't as exciting as for the last few weeks, but it was still a lot of fun... If you ever find yourself with nothing to do on a Tuesday night... Come and join us... If you like music, are interested in discovering completely unknown yet very talented artists... Or if you feel like sharing your own completely unknown talent... Go ahead... It is a lot of fun... and if you are too shy to go alone... Let me know... Maybe we could do a duo... :-)

Till then...

HAVE FUN!!!

BYE
MAD
P.S.: Yes, I know, some of you can't wait to read about my vacations... Patience... Patience... I'll start typing what I wrote there... Yes... I'm in the train now... I had to run across the parking lot, because... As usual... I got here at the last minute because I was trying to complete this post at the café... As I often say... Ho well... ;-)

Back to reality

Ola,

Sitting in the bus, crossing the bridge, just hung up the phone to tell GG that when I opened the blinds this morning, the sun was shining against a bright blue sky background, as I used to tell her almost every morning for the past week or so... We simply had a great vacation together...

Looking at other people in the bus this morning... feels weird... there is so much clothing covering their body... And where did they put the smiles they all had on their faces last week... Ho.. right, these are not the same people I was looking at last week, and we are not in the same country, with the same weather... though I find that it is a beautiful day today... It was warm enough last week to melt a good portion of the snow that could be seen when we left over a week ago... And even though the weather channel says it is -5 outside (-10 with the wind factor)... I just don't feel it... I traded my usual boots (you know which ones :-), with a pair of shoes and my Kanuk with a leather jacket (a warm one, but still)... And with that bright sunshine and a wall to wall blue sky... How could I not smile...

OK, enough about today, I guess you want to hear about my trip to Mexico... I will just give you a sneak preview cause the bus is getting close to the terminus... We partied all night long, for 6 out of 7 nights, we got a good sun tan, we drank, we ate very well, we laughed, we met very interesting people, I got a chance to sing in front of a crowd a few times, and we even had a magical after-hours night with a few friends around a piano in a closed (though unlocked) restaurant... It was great...

I took lots of pictures, and wrote a daily blog while I was there, but these will be published on my French traveling blog only... I will let you know when it is ready... Here's an example of how it felt there:

Till then... Have fun... I had a load of that last week...

BYE
MAD

P.S.: I started following a great pair of boots out of the bus... Nice looking hair from what I could see from behind her, but the stalking ended abruptly when she entered where no man has gone before (or at least shouldn't have), the girls room of the bus station... Ho Well...

P.P.S.: About this post title: "Back to reality"... Still... It is a reality that I truly love... So I'm not complaining about coming back to it :-)

About Transparency

Salut,

Another sitting in the bus episode... Though I had the idea while sitting in my car... stopped on a red light... Looking at the slim legs of a teenager waiting to cross the street... They caught my eye because they were shaking... It's a cold morning... And there were two of them (teenagers, not legs, we all have two legs... at least... most of us... anyway)... So her friend... had a very nice butt... And then I said... Ho my god... MAD, stop looking at her butt... She's just a teenager...

So what? Like those beauties I look at in the bus... I don't do anything wrong... I'll never ever do anything bad to these girls... I just enjoy looking at them... Is this a crime? I'm actually convinced that we all do the same... Come on... Who in their right mind don't like to look at good looking people? Of course, I agree that some people may not like to be looked at, and yet, come on... Who wouldn't like to know that others find them attractive??? COME ON!!!

I think the main difference with someone like me, is that I openly talk about it... And even publicly on the Internet (though you are not that many to read my blog, still...). And you should also note (for those of you who may not know me that well) that I am always like that (fully transparent)... I (almost) always say what I think (yet, I still try to be careful not to hurt anyone with what I say)... And I truly believe that thinking about it is not a crime...

It is true that you can get a good idea of who I am by knowing how I think... But it is how I act that truly defines who I am... For example, we, human beings, are animals. As with all animals, the way we live is mainly based on instincts. Our instinct is what got us to reproduce and survive through ages, so we should not deny them. We should never be ashamed of them... Even our most basic instincts... But it doesn't mean that we have to listen to them... The control we developed over our instincts, the sense of moral that our society have slowly built, is what made us (human beings) raise above the animal kingdom.

What I'm trying to get to, is that it is OK to expose ourselves by talking about the stuff that rambles in our head... To expose our emotions on the public place... To talk about our fears or our needs... It is OK... If someone think less of me because I looked at the cute butt of a teenager waiting to cross the street, if that someone judges me without taking the time get to know me well enough to understand that I would have never hurt that little girl in any way... well... too bad... that someone doesn't deserve to be my friend anyway...

Let's not judge each other too quickly... Let us be ourselves and not be shy to express it... The more we judge others, the less likely they will open their true self to us... And we will miss a chance to discover someone that could have become a good friend... a best friend... and even more...

So just let ourselves be transparent... And live happily ever after... ;-)

BYE
MAD

A post about nothing...

Salut,

sitting in the bus... front row center (well, not quite center, you know)... There are just a few people in the bus this morning... Spring break for lots of people... So I won't be looking at young cuties today... will look forward, where the bus is heading (when I'm not looking at the screen... I've been typing for long enough, I don't need to look at the keyboard :-)... Ho, but I just noticed now that as more people step in the bus, I see them very clearly from here... and there are a few cute ones... :-P

There are 3 spots to wait for the bus in the huge parking lot where I take an express bus to get downtown (when I don't take the train)... And I (almost) always walk all the way to the farthest one, where the bus starts, so that I can get a better seat... No, no, no, I don't mean a seat where I will get a better view on good looking girls, I mean a good seat where I will be able to type, or read my work email, or write my next hit single, or movie script :-)... But I still park my car closer to the beginning of the parking lot, so that I can get off the bus at the first stop on the way back, and get to my car quicker... I prefer to walk on the way to the bus, while it is waiting for me ;-)... as opposed to the way back where I decide when to leave.. Which is as soon as I get in my car (and start the engine, of course)...

Anyway, boring stuff... I'll probably have more interesting things to say next week... In a week from now, I'll be waking up to the bright sun shine of Riviera Maya in Mexico and getting ready for a nice breakfast before getting my beach bum in the sand... But I may write more in French, on my vacation blog.

Now I just raised my eyes to see the bridge in front of the bus as we get on the reserved lane, soon before they close it, there isn't much traffic anyway, since it is spring break... Which is weird... We're not even in spring yet... We still have 3 weeks of winter... I can't wait for spring and then the summer wind... I will get a glimpse of that next week... I think I really need this vacation...

I thought I was tired because I wasn't getting enough sleep (though I was enjoying every second I was awake)... But I have been getting much better sleep recently, and I still feel tired... So it's not just sleep... I need some time to relax, and do as little as possible... Like reading under the sun... Listening to music... Enjoying the view... Having a drink... Food prepared for me... Good conversations with a very good friend... Meeting new people... And keep hoping for the love of my life to show up... and hopefully recognize her...

BYE
MAD
P.S.: Title inspired by the show about nothing ;-)

Making up... :-)

Salut,

sitting in the bus, in front of a very cute young lady... putting on makeup... Don't really know why though... she doesn't really need it... But the older woman that just sat besides her did a good job at hiding her age this morning... and her large sun glasses help a bit too...

I didn't have anything specific to say this morning... But I wanted to talk... so here I am... as more people get in the bus... and more makeup gets applied to that cutie's face... It's interesting to witness the transformation... live... ;-) She's doing a pretty good job... Adding intensity, yet staying subtle enough... so far...

Maybe I should try that... Makeup!... Actually, we were talking about that over lunch at work yesterday... Someone asked me which lipstick color would suite me best ;-)... Someone said pink (cause I sometimes wear a pink wig... for fun :-)... But I said black, just to see their face as I said it :-)

OK, she's done, and she also put some large sun glasses to hide half of the nice work she did... Her lipstick is pink... with shiny little sparkles in it... A little too much for my taste... too bad, cause she has very nice lips... Ho well... way too young for me anyway... As most cuties I look at in the bus... It's just for fun anyway... You know me, right? Nothing wrong with just looking... and commenting on a public blog... Hahahaha... :-)

Hey, I think I told you I was finally going down south soon... My first trip to the beach without my kids, since... Since I had kids (and my eldest is 11 and a half)... I'll bring my camera, so I can show you pictures of nice girls in bikini... I already have a few here... :-)

We're crossing the bridge now and the bus windows are way dirtier than the train windows... Anyway, the view here isn't as interesting as the one we have from the train bridge... I guess I will have much nicer views in about 10 days from now... And no, I'm not just talking about bikinis (though they are an important part of the view)... If you got a chance to see some of the pictures I take, you will notice that I'm not only after female bodies, I also like nature, architecture, and people in general... and if you read a few of my posts, you know I'm not that superficial... you know that I think the human being is a very intriguing yet so interesting piece of art, as much within itself as what it let show outside...

So I take a vow here to spend the rest of my life trying to understand more and more human nature and keep being amazed by it.

BYE
MAD
P.S.: the older woman has removed her sun glasses... nice eye color, but not quite my type of face... and no... it is not just about the age... The cutie have closed her eyes behind her shades so I can take a better look at the work she did... and her extraordinary lips... With too much lipstick unfortunately...

Radio silence

Salut,

sitting in the train, watching the panorama through the dirty windows where the bright sun has no mercy for all kinds of stains. There are big piles of snow outside... We had some more over the weekend... But I finally booked that trip down south that I was thinking about for almost a year now... I wasn't too keen on going alone, and there is no Mrs. MadlyMAD these days... So I asked a friend to join me... I was hesitating a bit because it is a female friend and I'm still looking for Mrs. MadlyMAD (no, it's not her, and it can't be her, we clarified that already).

I wonder how a new Mrs. MadlyMAD prospect would take it if I met her before I leave down south with someone else (I know, there isn't much chances, since we leave in less than two weeks, but still, it's a possibility... And you know The dreamer :-).... What would she feel if I get to tell her: "I find you very interesting and would like to get to know you better, but I'm going to the beach with a very good looking woman, see you next week... BYE... MAD...".... Ho well... :-)

Last week, I had a very interesting prospect, that new book I was telling you about... We had a few very interesting email exchange... I started on Monday at lunch time... She answered on Tuesday dinner time... So I sent another one on Wednesday bedtime, and she answered again on Friday morning... breakfast time ;-)... And I felt so enthusiastic, that I answered on the same day at dinner time... and got a very positive answer a little over an hour after... So I replied again before going to bed... And then... radio silence since then... Weird...

I have no clue what happened... Did I say something wrong? Did she get hit by a bus? Something happened to her kids? She met the man of her dreams over the weekend? I scared her? She thought I was an alien trying to abduct her to do experiments on her gorgeous little body (though I have only seen pictures, we never got to meet in "real life", but you know I have a very fertile imagination, right?). Or maybe she caught Alzheimer while helping an older woman cross the street? Didn't pay her Internet bills? Was actually abducted by aliens?... OK... I'll stop here... :-)

We are about to cross the bridge now (no, not me and her, the train ;-)... And I love the view of the sun climbing up the sky across the car bridge over the St-Lawrence river... A very cool sight... Even through dirty stained train Windows... :-)

So life is good... We have hopes... Deceptions... Thrilling exchanges... and then radio silence... Big piles of snow falling from the sky and then our toes get to play in the wet sand and salty water... A drink in our hand and surrounded by beautiful women in bikinis... The sun keeps rising and setting on a regular basis... My heart keeps beating... Waiting for another one to beat in sync with... But I will settle for nothing less... than the real thing... So I will be patient...

till next time...

Have fun!

BYE
MAD

A new book...

Salut,

sitting in the train, with a marvelous landscape outside... We had about 10cm of snow during the night and the trees are dressed with a superb snow coat.

So how have you been? I have itchy fingers... A post a week is not enough to satisfy my needs... I know this virtual slowdown is a good thing for me... But it's hard... And I must admit... I kind of cheated on you... Yes... I did... In real life, I'm a very faithful guy (even when I knew a loved one was cheating on me, I couldn't resort myself to do the same), but in the virtual world, I think it's OK...

While finishing the story of this previous book I was telling you about, before I got to write the last chapter, I started to write a private blog, that I didn't send to anyone... Like a diary... and it really felt like I was talking to you... So you see... Even if I cheated on you... I was thinking about you (I know, a classic ;-)...

But now, it's over... That book has been put away (and I recently learned that somebody else is reading it, Ho well)... And now, I'm starting a new one... :-)))

Ho... And allow me to step out of the metaphor for a moment, so that I let you know that last night, I finally sent my novel to a publisher... One down... I need to look for more publishers that could be interested in this book now (I mean, the real one :-)... Do you know any?

OK, back into the metaphor...

I was browsing through the Facelibrary, and saw an interesting thumbnail of a book cover (I know we can't judge a book by its cover, but it's all I had)... So I registered for more info about this book... And got it... I was so happy, the book was willing to open itself a little bit for me (which doesn't happen so often in these cold virtual libraries)... So I got to see the high resolution cover, as well as the back sleeve and some other images, and it looked really good (“very” my type of look... eeee... book :-)... So I presented myself as an interested reader, and was privileged enough to receive a prologue of the book that I found really interesting.

So last night, I sent even more info about me as an avid reader (I hope it wasn't too much... you know how verbose I can be :-). And I also requested a bit more info about the content of this very interesting book... Based on the tone and the kind of info I get back (if any), I may risk a request to borrow this book from the library this weekend... And get to see it in the real world... real life... out there... where trees wear beautiful white robes... :-)

De Snowstorm Mid-dec-2007

BYE
MAD... not as verbose today... but in a very good mood...

The end of a chapter

Salut,

   sitting in the bus, typing this using offline Gmail... this is pretty cool... did you try it?...

   Sitting in the last seat at the back of the bus... I usually sit at the front... Or in the middle... It is nice to have a new perspective... Especially with that cute young brunette sitting in front of me, working on her term papers... I know, I know, way too young for me... But hey... There is no harm in just looking... And dreaming... Nothing wrong about that, right?... And she really is my type... Ho well... :-)

   It's been a while since I told you about good looking girls in the bus... Some of you may have missed it... Others may be saying now, "Ho No... Not again!"... Whatever... I know you enjoy it anyway... At least, I know I enjoy it... And let's just say... That recently... My mind was elsewhere... Oh, and I don't take the bus as often these days... And... For some reasons... The girls don't look as good in the train... Weird...

   But this is not quite today's subject... Though it is somewhat related (like most of my intros, even though it is rarely on purpose)... You probably noticed the subject: "The end of a chapter"... Some of you may have guessed what I mean by that...

   I wrote about a lady in the past, and I used the book metaphor when I unfortunately had to turn the page on her, and put the book back on the shelf... Well, today, I will continue with this metaphor, while also linking with my previous post about musical feelings, and also remind you that I'm composing music to go with the novel I wrote... just in case you would have forgotten... ;-)

   So I thought that a good way to end this chapter of my life, would be with a new song... A song I wrote about this chapter... A song inspired by what I felt about the main character of this book, a girl that I once, briefly, called, My Lady. If life would be like Hollywood movies, maybe I could hope that this song would bring her back to me (thus the title of the song), but I am not that naive (I am naive, but not that much :-).


Lyrics: http://docs.google.com/Doc...
mp3: http://madzab.com/reviens-moi.mp3
On YouTube: Reviens-moi, Playlist: MAD Sings
   Even when strongly inspired by true feelings, there is always a good part of fiction in song Lyrics. This is what poetry is all about.. Like Hollywood movies, we put much more icing on the cake of reality. Unlike the content of this blog, which is all about real stuff, no fiction here, I really tell you what goes through my head and how I truly feel, and there really is a good looking brunette sitting in front of me :-).

   But anyway, back to the fictional poetry of the song lyrics, I know we can't tell others what to do (except maybe for our kids), and especially not to a woman. ;-)... So I don't expect anything from publishing this song, even though I know she will listen to it... I told you before, I never expect anything from anyone... but me... :-)

   So I would just like to thank her for inspiring me this song... A good song (I hope), that will have captured a great moment that will now live forever through lyrics and music, even if it marks... The end of a chapter...

Enjoy!

BYE
MAD... not sad... Still MAD... Really ;-)

A musical feeling

Salut,

sitting in the bus, with cold fingers... I guess I don't exercise them enough... Because of my virtual slow down I expressed over a week ago... I missed you... Did you miss me?

I'm going through a wide range of emotions and fffffeeeelings these days... You know... The F word that used to intrigue me so much... I think I'm getting much better at it, but I still have so much to learn... There are so many things that just can't be explained... Like the fact that I have always been able to feel some things, but not others... the most obvious one for me is music (slightly ahead of movies).

There are songs that move me so much, I feel them so strongly in my stomach and other parts of my body... Really... And I don't really know why... I guess I have a very close relationship with music, and I'm much more confident with her, so I let myself go more easily... Whereas with people, I used to have so many doubts about myself, and used to be so scared of just being myself... So I would exercise a very tight control over my feelings and emotions... even if it was completely unconsciously...

This is most probably the main reason why I became a musician... I could ffffeeeel it.... And this is also surely the main reason why I became a song writer... This was one of the only way I could express my own.... fffffeeeeeelings.... And even with songs written by others, those songs that I learned to play over the years... With some of them, I had much more success than others, and I think I know why now... These songs were the ones I was ffffeeeeeeling the most...

Here are two examples of music-feeling synchronicity for me... I always loved playing the piano, even when I didn't know how to play it. And for the longest time, the only songs I knew how to play on the piano were my own... The songs that I wrote... And 3 years ago, for some reason, at that specific point in time, that moment in my life, I decided to learn this song:


It is a sad song from Daniel Bélanger, an artist that I really like, even though I used to think that his moods and lyrics were a little too depressive for my own taste, because I'm always full of energy and in a good mood, 100%, most of the time ;-)... But I still get touched by his music... And that song in particular really reached me and I couldn't resist learning to sing it while playing the piano (OK, it also helps that it is not too hard to play ;-)...

OK, so where is the synchronicity I hear you ask... I'm getting there... And no, I'm not talking about the last album by The Police :-).... While I was learning that song, I met a very interesting woman, and I think (I say I think, because then, 3 years ago, I didn't know much about these things), I think I had feelings for her... But I never got to confirm if she had any for me... We never kissed nor held hands, or even mentioned anything about a potential relationship... It just... didn't happen... I always wanted to talk to her about it, but never got to it... And we keep running into each other, once in a while, quickly... And it is never the right time... Maybe... someday... I should send her a link to this post ;-)

Anyway, I'm derailing again, but maybe you start to understand what I mean... This is when I slowly started experimenting with feelings... And I was kind of sad when I guessed that this woman wasn't interested in me as I was in her, and it kind of helped learn that sad song from Daniel Bélanger.

The other example, more recently... If you read some of the post I wrote in the last month or so, you will guess what I'm talking about... I finally found someone for which I had strong feelings, and when I finally got to know that she also had strong feelings for me... I could just... fly... You know what I mean... And while getting to that moment, I was learning a new song on the piano... A song from Elton John, “Your song”...


And I quickly realized that I was unconsciously learning that song for her... And I got to play it for her (while mentioning everything I said in this post, so if she reads it, she already knows about all this, but I felt like sharing it with the rest of you now, I hope it's OK)... So this is why, I say that there is a very close relationship between music and the way I feel... Again, I will refer you to one of my favorite posts on my French blog, the one where I talk about the song I wrote called Fais-moi Rêver and how it helped me, I also talk about how music can help me in general in there.... Go take a look :)

And now... I'm currently working on a new song... The lyrics of this new song are strongly inspired by what I have gone through in the past month or so... But I will keep that for a next post... You'll have to wait to hear more about it...

Have fun!

BYE
MAD,,, Musician And Dreamer,,, :-)

Virtual slow down...

Sitting in an earlier train this morning... I have a hard time sleeping late anyway... Even though I have a hard time going to bed early... Ho well... And it is not because I worry about stuff... I don't... Things are going very well... Of course, they could be better, but they could also be much worst... I told you before, even if the half glass is empty, I still see it full ;-)...

But I have to kick myself in the butt to work harder these days... This new project I was assigned to is very cool, but I don't feel productive... I don't like feeling like a newbie all the time... And I feel that I didn't progress much yet... It is true that I went true a few bumps in my personal life, it's been like a roller coaster in the past few months (OK, years :-)... But still, I should be able to focus more on my job anyway... I'm goooood, I know I'm gooooood.... So GO MAD GO!!!

So this is why, taking the earlier train when I don't have my kids in the morning should become a new habit... And hopefully, I will learn to go to bed earlier at night too... Otherwise, going to the gym on a daily basis will not as useful for staying in better shape and better health if I don't sleep enough, right?

So I may not be as vocal here as I would like to... I will resist the temptation to leave you a note more often than I should... I will invest my train rides time in getting stuff done for my job... Especially with this new daily gym routine that is stealing an hour off my work schedule... Everyday of the week!!! I have to take it back somewhere... I'm not going to take it away from my kids, of course, and I can't take it away from my sleep (which is already minimal, even if I'm used to it)... So I will have to cut down a little bit on the virtual social stuff (and it is not just about bloging, I need to also diminish the chats and Facebook type of things too)...

One could think that now that I'm done with my novel re-write, I have one less thing to take care of... Well... not really... Because I want to finish the music that goes with it, so I need to invest a some time there still... At least all my Monday nights, which I spend with my music partner... As soon as his kids are put to sleep...

Talking about my kids, I pick mine up tonight, exceptionally on a Tuesday night (during the week, I usually have them on Wednesdays and Thursdays, on top of every second weekend, so yes, it is still half and half :-), but their mom has something tonight so we exchanged Tuesday and Thursday... So I'm free Thursday night (which rarely happens), do you wanna go out? :-)

As I said in a French post over a year ago... Life is all about what you choose to do with the little time you are given... There is no way around it...

BYE
MAD

With or Wihou a T, that is the quesion... :-)

Salut,

sitting in the train.. Caught it at the last minute... Had to run from my car in the parking lot to the deck where we jump on the train... But now that I started going to the gym every day with a bunch of colleagues, it won't be a problem for me anymore to do those runs :-)...

You will notice that today's post will be much lighter than the few previous ones... This probably means that I feel much better now than I did when I wrote the others... Not that I felt so bad then... Because my average mood is much higher than most people so my lows are really not that low... though my highs can be quite high... I know, I'm very lucky ;-)... But sometimes, it is just a question of contrasts...

For example, yesterday, I got scared... I had a few hints that something pretty bad could happen and I really didn't like the train of thoughts that it got me into. Paranomad was making its way through my brains and I know he runs a train that I have a very hard time stopping... I learned that in the last few months of my marriage, I can't really stop paranomad, believe me, I tried... And when I try something, I do everything I can do, trust me... So I decided to resolve the problem in another way, instead of trying to stop the bad train of thoughts that paranomad runs in my head, I decided to control how I react to it.

So yesterday, I did some homework and my research was providing me with very strong information contradicting my first inclination to think that something bad would happen. I still don't know what will happen, I don't have any hard proof yet, but I am still fully convinced that it won't be bad... And thus, I feel good... I feel a very big contrast between how I feel now and how I felt in the train back home last night. And contrast upward is good ;-)

Also, this little research got me to chat with a friend in a way I wasn't sure I would be able to again, because of some things that have happened between us (read the book, and you may have a clue of what I'm talking about ;-)... So I'm feeling even better now, knowing that all is well there too... And during this communication, we were talking about being aware of our weaknesses, though still acknowledging our strengths and qualities. And this is what gave me the idea of this post's title...

I think it is while I was in bed this morning, waking up a little before the alarm clock does its job (as I often do) and thinking about that conversation (for some reason), and the specific moment where I said that one of the things I like the most about myself (or that I am most proud of) is my witty sense of humor. I was thinking that it might be a little pretentious of me to say so, but I think it is something that applies in so many aspects of my life.

I'm also very very proud of being a good daddy, but my sense of humor with the kids is a big part of being a good daddy and helps me a lot... We laugh a lot together, my two daughters and I. Again this morning, they were literally rolling on the floor laughing at one point. It is also useful at my job, to have an enjoyable work environment, or socially, or even in my artistic creations...

[Little parentheses, there are a few people around me in the train reading a book, of course. I can't help but imagine the time, when I will sit in the train, and see someone reading... the book I wrote ;-)... Just like I used to imagine myself into a public place, like a mall or a gas station, and hearing one of my songs on the radio... hummmm... Yeah, I know... Pretentious :-)]

So, back to my witty sense of humor... Some people will disagree, I know... Humor is so subjective... And also, the pre-canned opinion we have about someone will have a big influence on how we appreciate their sense of humor... And I have a good example. I remember a very nice dinner with a couple of friends, many years ago, when I was still with my wife... Every time I was being funny, everybody laughed... except my wife, she heard my jokes for over 10 years, she had enough of it... But it's not just me, when my friend was being funny, we all laughed, including my wife... But not his wife... you see?...

So this, is why I asked the question, with or wihou T... Because a sense of humor that some would find witty, others would find it... Twitty! ;-) So, what do you think? Am I witty? Or am I a twit? I actually think I'm both... I'm a witty twit... ;-)

BYE
MAD
P.S.: And if you speak French, you can play a little game where you tell people you want to open a store “santé” and ask them to guess what you sell in that store. If they mention an item that doesn't have a 't' in its name, you say yes, and otherwise (if there is a 't' in the name of the item), you say that you don't sell thouse... until they guess the scheme... santé... sans T... without a T ;-)

P.P.S.: Have Fun!

P.P.P.S.: This was my 69th post on this blog... :-)