Wanting and/or Dreaming

Sitting in the train... after a breakfast alone at home (which I don't do very often, I usually go to a coffee shop or wait till I get to the office). I woke up early this morning, my head still full of sweet dreams, but my heart emptied by the reality that got me out of those dreams. But now, when I look out the window and see those trees filled with white snow as if it was icing sugar, it may not completely fill my empty heart but it surely lighten it up enough to make me smile.

I have always been a dreamer... As I kid, I didn't have many friends and I spent a lot of time alone, at home, listening to music, watching movies or reading comic books, and imagining my self as the musicians I was listing to or the actors I was watching or the one who wrote the stories I was reading and I even went as far as imagining myself as the super hero in these comic books... :-)

But I was raised to play it safe, not expect too much in life, to avoid being hurt. I was also taught to have faith in destiny and karma, that if I am a good boy, do the right things, and make the right choices, it will always come back to me... And this is what I did... But I never stopped dreaming... And indeed, many great things came my way... And I never stopped dreaming...

[was interrupted this morning, so I continue on the train ride back home]
Tuesday Jan 20th, 6:18 PM

I like to think of myself as a rational dreamer. One who allows himself to dream, yet don't disillusion himself with too much certainty, to avoid the hard landing when the cloud we dream on eventually dissipates. I sometimes thought that maybe this is why I didn't succeed in fulfilling these dreams. I didn't believe in it hard enough... Though I truly believed, I was also being realistic by reminding myself that there never ever is any certainty in anything...

So I learned to want only what I knew I could potentially get, and only blame myself for not trying hard enough if I couldn't get it... I keep chasing those dreams of being the musician that others listen to, the actors that others look at or the writer that others read (but don't worry, I don't chase the dream of being a super hero, I told you I was a rational dreamer :-).

If I felt that something was completely out of reach for me, I simply stopped wanting it, there is no use in trying... Anything that I couldn't control the outcome, I could only accept it as is... One of the first time in my life where I had to painfully accept that something I dearly wanted, I could do nothing to get... Was the love of my wife... And I worked very hard for a long time to try and deserve it, win it back, until I realized, there was nothing I could do to change any of that, I just had to accept it, so I suggested we split up... It was a very tough decision... But at that point... I realized... That I didn't want her, if she didn't love me. I even convinced myself for a long time, that I didn't love her, that I never did.

I have met quite a few women since we split up, and of many different styles (I needed to experiment a lot to figure out what I really want, so I tried quite a large spectrum ;-)... Recently, as you read in previous posts, about a date, a book and other metaphors, I had found someone I really wanted... For a little while, I thought I had finally found the reciprocity I was looking for, cause I felt she really wanted me too. And thus, I did every thing I thought was right, both for me and for her, trying to figure out how I could get what I wanted... But the only way to get it, is to be wanted back... and be fully comfortable with it... And it wasn't the case... For whatever reasons...

So this morning, I realized that I'm not used to wanting something that I can not get on my own... That my own doing may not change much in the possibility of getting what I want or not. In the past, I have been very successful in simply not wanting it anymore once I realized that. Maybe this is what I need to do now... Stop wanting... Even if it would mean lying to myself and making me believe I don't want it... It might be better... for my own good... and hers... What do you think?

BYE
MAD... Making new discoveries everyday... And sharing them with you as they surface... :-)