An unexpected left turn...

Sitting in the train, going back home to pick up the kids... Exceptionally on a Monday since it's their mom's 40th birthday today... Her boyfriend offered her a surprise week out somewhere so I get to have the kids all week long.. Yé... And it's actually a good timing, because I had some sort of bad news yesterday... So it's good to be busy and enjoy your kids presence and not being alone during those difficult days.

The woman I was dating (as I was talking about previously), finally decided that she didn't want to continue our attempt to eventually become a couple... She has stuff to deal with inside her head that are better dealt with alone and without a partner around... Stuff about relationships of course... So I won't get into more details about the specific reasons, but it hurts to know that I wasn't able to appease her fears and help fight these demons of hers so that we could share a ride on this most interesting traveling experience called life.

Even though she says it has nothing to do with me (and I really want to believe her), I can help thinking that I must have done something wrong, or I must be the wrong guy for her, or something like that... Which is OK, since I did everything I thought was right, and if it was the wrong to do, then doing the right thing wouldn't have been from the real me, cause I was true to myself all the way, I was not playing any game or laying out any strategy there... I was just being myself, and I'm very proud of that. If I am the wrong man for her, then fine, I can't argue with that, and I won't fight a losing battle like this... We should only be with the people that are right for us... Might as well be alone instead of being with the wrong one, or being the wrong one for the other...

At least, we are both able to stay good friends, almost as much as we were before trying this out, which is a good thing, because we will keep bumping into each other, we can't really (and don't want to) avoid that... It does hurt, and it is hard to cope with... But it is bearable... It is true that it would have been easier now if I would have taken it slower and not dive in completely as I did...

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Part II
Tuesday
8:05 AM

I didn't get to complete this post yesterday for whatever reasons... So I continue it this morning, still sitting in the train... In a new train actually... Not just a new time, they have different seat configurations in this train so I'm not sure yet, where I'll be more comfortable... I will have to experiment... Life is full of trial and errors... You sometimes have to fail miserably to learn and grow...

I wouldn't say that I miserably failed this week, but I did not succeed in helping my friend accept that she can be in a successful relationship whatever conditions surrounds it, if you find true love in it... And to continue where I stopped yesterday, I would be contradicting my previous posts if I would conclude that I should have been more careful so that I wouldn't be hurt as much today... As a matter of fact, I'm not “that” hurt... I only spent a few days physically with her, and a few more expressing my feelings for her in a virtual way (though I'm pretty good at that, wanna try me? :-)...

But I really felt it (yest, this F word again), and this was something completely new for me, and something that I was waiting for for so long... And with a woman that I have looking at, and thinking of for a long while too. So this is why I'm a little more hurt than I should be at this point... I also enjoyed so much when she actually told me that she was also looking at me for a while (actually, since the first time she saw me, wow) and she was also thinking of me, and even dreaming about me... What can a guy do? What a romantic guy looking to discover his emotions do? What could I do?

The only thing I could do is close my eyes and jump... The only thing I could do when she admitted her fears and uncertainties was to do everything I could and say everything I felt to help her appease her demons... And I did... And it worked for a while... But not very long... And it's OK... What else could I do when she said she didn't want to continue? I tried to convince her otherwise of course... But once I realized that her mind was set... All I could do was understand... And let it go...

And now I allow myself to suffer a bit... It was well worth it... My stomach is still upside down this morning... My breath is little longer than usual... I have a hard time sleeping and eating... But that's OK... I prefer that to the cold closure and protection I was used to... And I also prefer that to having the foot on the break pedal all the time and preventing me from enjoying all that I enjoyed since we both admitted our interest to each other... It is worth it... And I don't say that just to avoid contradicting my previous posts... I truly believe it... And will fight hard for it all my life... Life is good... It can hurt... But it's good...

As a conclusion, I will loop back to my introduction in an unexpected way (as I often do, so you are probably used to it by now). And it wasn't even on purpose... this is what my mind does to me while I write... I was telling you about the 40th birthday of the mother of my kids... And while writing this, I realize that it might have a little bit of something to do with how I feel (F word! :-) about all this... We started going out together when she was 20, and then we spent 16 and half years together... And I remember thinking at one point, that, when she turns 40, she will have spent as much time with as without me... Wow...

But it didn't happen, we split up a little more than 3 years ago... And not that I would want to go back with her... We are very good friends (very useful for the kids) and I still think very highly of her... But with all that I learned through all the mistakes I did since she left, I know she is the not the type of woman I would want to be with anymore... And anyway, she has a very nice boyfriend that I like a lot, a very good guy :-).. for her...

So I was once thinking that I would spend most of my life with someone I realize now I didn't really fit with... And if I want to have lived more than half my life with someone, I better meet her soon, or live over 100 years!!! :-) More seriously, this just convinces me more and more that if I get to find one that I feel is a (almost?) perfect fit... I have to do everything I can to make it work.. Yet... At the same time... She has to do the same... Otherwise it won't work... It takes two to Tango... And Tango is such a beautiful dance, you don't want to waste it with the wrong partner, or one that is not ready to dance with you...

Will you dance with me?

BYE
SAD... but still having fun! Somehow.. :0)