For crying out loud! :-)

Salut,

sitting in the bus, after an interesting Monday night in the town... It started with a social night with co-workers at a fondue place... So I had fondue twice in 3 days... Oh yeah, I didn't tell you about my Saturday night last minute dinner with friends... Well... Maybe... someday... but I can tell you now that it was at a fondue place in Châteauguay ;-)... And tonight, after the fondue restaurant, I went to have a pint of red beer with a co-worker and now I'm sitting in the bus to go back home... alone... but not sad...

At least not like I felt yesterday... I don't remember the last time I cried, at least not like I did yesterday... I might have had watery eyes here and there, but even that only happened very rarely in the past 20+ years... But yesterday... As I was finishing the re-write of my novel, or actually, it even started on Saturday night, while I was alone at a restaurant, working on my novel, with my laptop, I got to read some touching moments of the story that got me to wet my eyes (yes, my eyes, it is not that kind of moment :-)... And as I was typing a message to one of my friends to tell her about it, her brother (who's one of my best friends) called me to join him and a couple of friends to this fondue restaurant... we had a great time and no tears there, except maybe for laughing tears... :-)

So the next day, i.e., Sunday, i.e., yesterday, I continued working on my novel where I left off the day before and got watery eyes in a few places again, until I got to a point, where it was just too much... I broke down in tears and started crying like a baby, out loud, you know, with those sounds coming from the throat where it is hard to tell if we are crying or laughing... and the tears were flowing off my eyes and down my cheek like I don't remember seeing them do so in a looooong time...

Is it really because of the passage I was reading?... It is when my main character, a fucked up teenager raised in a fucked up family, finally decides to go sit on his dads lap, hug him as hard as he could and cry on his shoulder... Could it be because I have some unfinished business to deal with my own father?... Or was I putting my self in the shoes of that father as a father myself?... Or is it because of this new “feeling” discovery I made in the past few weeks, and that other book I was telling you about, that closed itself on me as I just discovered how much I loved reading it?... I don't know... and actually... I don't really want to know...

All I know now, is that I am able to cry (because I had really strong doubts about that in the last few years), and even while I was crying, I was almost laughing inside, happy to be feeling, even if I was actually feeling sad... At one point, I was all curled up on my couch, hugging my cushions so tight in an incomprehensible hug... It was really something... And when I finally snapped out of it and went to the rest room to get a Kleenex to wipe my cheeks, I saw myself in the mirror... Very weird... I have never ever sees myself like that... red eyes and wet cheeks... I smiled at my self... it was quite a sight...

And tonight, as I am feeling the bumps of the Champlain bridge as the bus is bringing me to my car on the south shore, after a very interesting dinner with my colleagues and then a nice beer with one of them... I feel great... Lonely, of course, but great anyway... Tomorrow night should be a music night with my partner so that we can make some progress on my novel sound track, and then I will turn into a full time solo dad for 5 days (though I have a babysitter on Friday because the guy I had a beer with tonight is throwing a party at his place, it should be fun)... And I usually don't feel as lonely when I take care of my kids... And I get the feeling, I will start feeling much less lonely even without my kids in a near enough future.... I can feel it... whatever it means... To be continued....

BYE
MAD and not that SAD after all ;-)