Something's missing...

Sitting in the bus... on a rainy day... it is true that "weather changes mood" as Kurt Cobain was singing in the hit "In bloom" from Nirvana's first successful album Nevermind (and now part of Rock Band). And as I said in a previous post, music is a very good way to express, repress, depress and compress feelings :-)...

Just before I got out of the car which I left in the parking lot at the bus stop (yeah, I know, I'm only half green), Chad Kroeger and his Nickelback crew was singing that "There's gotta be Somebody for me out there", and I want to keep on believing it, but it is not always easy... Especially when the rest of my life is going so damn well, that it's kind of scary...

It's true... It seems to scare away some women that feels my life has been way to easy and I won't be able to cope with theirs. And I don't argue, I have had quite an easy life so far (if we forget about the lack of true love, which I have felt just enough to know it's there, but not quite enough for it to stick around). I was telling a friend over lunch this week that I think I have reached a level of general happiness that is quite satisfying for my needs... I realized that with age, we get to reach more and more happiness, and I think that we also learn to need (or maybe expect) less (at least, some of us are able to)... And so my friend said: "Great you should be proud and feel lucky!"...

Yet, still... I feel that something is missing... Is it just love? But then, when I find it, will I be done? It always amazed me that so many things can not just reach a level of "good enough" and stay there. Companies need to make more profit every year, otherwise they sink... How come? We also seem to need to continuously grow, otherwise we shrink... somehow... Can't we just plainly benefit from what we have done so far and enjoy it at the present tense?

Everybody says "live in the present", but it is so much easier said than done. How many of us are able to do it? Of course, for the ones like me who have kids and put their kids lives ahead of their own (at least until they can take care of it on their own, and even then), we do have something to live for, and work for and look after... and even look for... If we don't grow as much as we used to, we can help them grow (and it actually makes us grow by rebound of course). But we are not just parents, we are also individuals... We also need to grow on our own... Like we hope our kids will when they reach our age.

There is a song I really like from John Mayer which is called "Something's missing" and it expresses very well what I'm trying to say here:

I'm not alone.
I wish I was.
'Cause then I'd know.
I was down because.
I couldn't find.
A friend around.
To love me like.
They do right now...

That's the first verse of the song... really powerful to me... How about you?

There's also an interesting line in the middle (that I really hope doesn't apply to me):

I can't be sure that this state of mind
Is not of my own design

And then the Chorus and the ending are also very good... I would even say... Clever... ;-)

Somethings's missing
And I don't know how to fix it.
Somethings's missing
And I don't know what it is.
No I don't know what it is... at all...

Friends - Check
Money - Check
Well slept - Check
Opposite Sex - Check
Guitar - Check
Microphone - Check
Messages waiting on when I come home - Check

Of course... Love isn't.... Check...

BYE
MAD

Passing ships

Unless we live secluded from the rest of the world... We keep meeting new people... Some of them become close friends, others are just acquaintance, and many many more just pass us by... Like passing ships in the night... Sometimes not even noticing each other... Yet sometimes, we catch a glimpse of light in their eye, a slight interest, but it unfortunately fades away... As both ships sail their own way...

I sometimes live these little moments, not on ships, but in trivial places like a sidewalk, a bus or a train... Or in weirder places like a sugar shack... even at the grocery... Yet... our shopping carts... just like passing ships... just stroll through their own separate aisles...

And in our modern days of connection technologies, we can meet great people via the Internet, even if we live all the way across a metropolitan area and would never get to walk on the same sidewalk, or take the same train nor bus, and would unlikely go to the same sugar shack at the same time, and definitely not shop at the same grocery...

And we can get to know more about each other, using words and images... And fuel the need to see each other in real life... Spend some time together... To touch each other... And enjoy it... Yet still... As those strangers that exchange a glimpse... our ships just pass by each other... may sail for a while side by side... and eventually drift away... not completely sure why... It just happens...

Whether love or friendship grow from these encounters... or not... We are still transformed by them... They leave a long lasting trace in our mind and in our heart... That make us who we are... now... and for the rest of our lives...

BYE
MAD

The sea of Love

The stories of my growing discovery of interesting women took the form of books when I shared them with you here. The image of the book recently became a boat on a recent post to my French blog. Once again, the book closed itself on me, the wind blew our sails in different directions and I must now seek new shores again...

The sailor in me seems to be bound to the sea (even though, in real life, I'm actually, psychologically, scared of water :-)... From island to island, I discover new treasures, yet I can't find a place to rest my old pirate bones...

I guess I will have to learn to enjoy the sea, with its high tides, perfect storms and even the quietest colorful horizons... I must learn to be patient... And just enjoy the current moment... Whether I'm on dry land... or at large...

BYE
MAD

Openeing the book...

Salut,

yesterday, I was very happy to finally get to put my eyes on that new book I was telling you about a few months back... It was "très cool"...

We've been chatting through the virtual tubes that make up this huge thing called Internet. Though it is very useful to meet and exchange with people without leaving your house (let's say you are being held captive by aliens or theorists, you can still flirt, it's pretty cool :-)... But at one point, you need the real thing... The facial expressions, the movements, the pheromones, and all those other things that make us more or less interesting to each others.

While driving there... when I crossed the last bridge... just a few hundred meters before I reach the destination... I felt a little nervous... nervous is good... I used to not be nervous... too confident... and this was not good... But yesterday... I was a little nervous... and I liked it... And I realized that these next few hundred meters... those next few minutes... would be the last one that I live "before" meeting her (yes, a she-book :-)... Before finally seeing in the "real world", that book I've been thinking about for a few months already... Yes... time flies...

So I tried to hold on that nervous feeling for as long as I could... cease the moment... Because it won't come back... once I meet her... Once I open the book.. I won't be able to see her again for the first time anymore... I won't be able to say that I have not opened the book yet... I won't be able to wish for that first moment to finally happen... It will have happened...

But this is not to say that I won't get to wish for the next time I get to put my hands on that great book... to see her in the real world again... And I wish that I will always be able to see her as if it was the first time we saw each other... this is the magic we are all looking for... Right?... But before I actually did meet her, I didn't know if we were going to want to see each other again... So I savored that moment... That nervous feeling... For as long as I could... just in case... :-)

And you know what? We do want to see each other again... We don't know when yet (modern parenting life with split custody can make things so much harder for us... But then again... Being a parent is so cool :-)... At least, we know we both want to... So I guess... It's time to start wishing again... And hope for that next moment... When we get to see each other... and discover more about each other... in the "real world"... :-)

To be continued...

BYE
MAD

Time flies...

Salut,

sitting in the train... got here unusually early... Yet still... Time flies... especially when you fly to time square for a weekend...I was recently spoiled with a quick surprise New-York City trip, and we missed the plane coming back... time really flies... you'll soon be able to read more details on my MAD-Voyages blog...

I have not written here in a long time so I wanted to leave you a quick trace as I was preparing to write about my NYC trip... I think I'll try to change my writing habit a bit and see if I can write smaller posts, yet more often...

I could also tell you about some of the reasons why I have not written more recently... I could tell you again about my French blog for which I invest a bit more time now... Or my job causing a virtual slowdown... Or my new passion for Open Mic Nights... But if I start in any of those directions, I won't be able to make this a quick post... Anyway, I already talked about those things already... So I'll stop here... For now... ;-)

See you soon!!!

And HAVE FUN!

BYE
MAD the busy bee...

P.S.: Ho... and I turned 43 yesterday...

P.P.S.: Time really flies!!! :-O

Madly MAD -> MADeries en Français

Salut,

just to let you know that I started writing a little more on my French blog... In case you would be interested... http://madecoste.blogspot.com... Enjoy...

And don't worry... I will continue to write to this blog here... Once in a while...

BYE
MAD

LonelyMAD

Sitting in the train... Just leaving the downtown station... Going back home early (for a Monday) because the mother of my kids needed me to take care of them tonight. She has some sort of activity tonight and after my trip to Mexico a few weeks ago, I owe her a few nights anyway... And since I totally forgot about this, I accepted an invitation to a Creators Club meeting tonight... I fortunately found a baby sitter to take over just before the kids get to bed, because we always have trouble finding time where all members of the club are available... And it would be sad to miss it, it's a very interesting part of my artistic life...

Anyway, this is why I'm in a train so early today... a Monday... And actually, in a train at all, since I usually take the bus when I have the opportunity to work later to compensate for the nights where I go home early to pick up the kids (guess I'll have to find some other time to compensate this week, most probably when the kids are asleep on Wednesday and Thursday, since tomorrow night, is Open Mike Night ;-)... And this is because the trains to my place don't run very late... This is why I usually take the bus if I don't have to go pickup the kids...

So... When I stepped out of the train this morning, after I finished reading the “Last Lecture”, I couldn't help thinking about where my life is going these days... And I felt lonely... Not that I'm all alone... I have great kids, many impressive friends, and I also love my job and my co-workers... And this very cute blond I was following out of the train, almost all the way to the office... She took one last turn out of my way and I had to watch her walk away from me without the slightest idea that I was watching her, and finding her beautiful, graceful, attractive, interesting, and all those other qualifiers that should have motivated me to talk to her... But I didn't...

So... Anyway... I'm not alone, but as I say in one of the songs I wrote for the Khrônos album from the band Continuum that I was a part of in the early nineties, you can be “Living a lonely life, while never being alone.” And that's how I feel these days...

But my first reflex is to push back on this feeling, force a smile on my face and move on with my usual laid back, optimist, positive, easy going and (hopefully) funny attitude... But not this morning... As I have been trying not to push back on other feelings these past few years, I realized this morning that it is OK to feel lonely... And I decided to give a name to that part of me that I've been ignoring for too long... LonelyMAD...

As for ParanoMAD (which I also talked about previously), LonelyMAD is an integral part of me... And I also got to realize that MultiMAD suits me very well, and not just for my multiple artistic creation fields (http://www.multimad.com), it also expresses very well my multiple personalities. Again, as I said before about ParanoMAD, I realized one day that I wouldn't be able to shut him up so I learned to live with it. Instead of shutting him up, I learned to control how I react to its whispering...

So today, I decided I would do the same thing with LonelyMAD. Instead of trying to shut him up as I used to do... I will let him express himself, but I need to be careful, and keep a good grasp at how I let my behavior get influenced by its whispers.

Recently, LonelyMAD has pushed me back to the Internet dating game to help me find the love of my life... Though it is possible to find gems there (some people did it), it is far from being a sure thing (as the bar scene, the coffee scene, the sports scene or any other scene where we can meet people are no sure things either)... So I don't have too much hope about it... But it still brings me some satisfaction to just browse, search and make a few attempts... It gives me the false impression that I'm getting closer... Even though... You know... Still... It's a bit comforting in some way... It kind of help me cope with LonelyMAD...

Note that I'm very confident that I'm a very interesting guy (at least for a good proportion of the female population), and there are many very interesting women out there... I sometimes wonder if there are enough that are single to give me the opportunity of meeting one that will be a good fit for me (and I will be a good fit for her) because, in theory, interesting people shouldn't stay single very long... But I've been single for a little while myself now, so there must be a few women in the same situation... We also become more picky with age and experience so we don't rematch so easily, thus stay single a little longer, so there should be a good probability of meeting her... Yet... it's a only probability... we'll see...

Randy Pausch (the author of the Last Lecture), met the love of his life and mother of his children when he was in his late 30s, and he seems like a great man... So I guess I should count myself very lucky to have met a great woman in my early 20s and have 2 great kids with her even though it didn't work out to be the love of my life... I'm only in my early 40s... I still have a lot of time to meet the love of my life... Unlike others who didn't even live to turn 40, or 50, or 60, or whatever... You know what I mean...

So I would like to finish this post by thanking Randolph Pausch for sharing his great life experience with us, even though he didn't get to turn 50, and didn't get to see his kids grow to teenage... Still... he will inspire many of us now, and generations to come, to live a great life... Whether we find true love... or not...

BYE
MAD
P.S.; Don't worry about me... I'm still HAVING FUN!!! ;-)
P.P.S.: Just feeling a little lonely, that's all...