Sitting in an earlier train this morning... I have a hard time sleeping late anyway... Even though I have a hard time going to bed early... Ho well... And it is not because I worry about stuff... I don't... Things are going very well... Of course, they could be better, but they could also be much worst... I told you before, even if the half glass is empty, I still see it full ;-)...
But I have to kick myself in the butt to work harder these days... This new project I was assigned to is very cool, but I don't feel productive... I don't like feeling like a newbie all the time... And I feel that I didn't progress much yet... It is true that I went true a few bumps in my personal life, it's been like a roller coaster in the past few months (OK, years :-)... But still, I should be able to focus more on my job anyway... I'm goooood, I know I'm gooooood.... So GO MAD GO!!!
So this is why, taking the earlier train when I don't have my kids in the morning should become a new habit... And hopefully, I will learn to go to bed earlier at night too... Otherwise, going to the gym on a daily basis will not as useful for staying in better shape and better health if I don't sleep enough, right?
So I may not be as vocal here as I would like to... I will resist the temptation to leave you a note more often than I should... I will invest my train rides time in getting stuff done for my job... Especially with this new daily gym routine that is stealing an hour off my work schedule... Everyday of the week!!! I have to take it back somewhere... I'm not going to take it away from my kids, of course, and I can't take it away from my sleep (which is already minimal, even if I'm used to it)... So I will have to cut down a little bit on the virtual social stuff (and it is not just about bloging, I need to also diminish the chats and Facebook type of things too)...
One could think that now that I'm done with my novel re-write, I have one less thing to take care of... Well... not really... Because I want to finish the music that goes with it, so I need to invest a some time there still... At least all my Monday nights, which I spend with my music partner... As soon as his kids are put to sleep...
Talking about my kids, I pick mine up tonight, exceptionally on a Tuesday night (during the week, I usually have them on Wednesdays and Thursdays, on top of every second weekend, so yes, it is still half and half :-), but their mom has something tonight so we exchanged Tuesday and Thursday... So I'm free Thursday night (which rarely happens), do you wanna go out? :-)
As I said in a French post over a year ago... Life is all about what you choose to do with the little time you are given... There is no way around it...
BYE
MAD
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Friday, January 23, 2009
With or Wihou a T, that is the quesion... :-)
Salut,
sitting in the train.. Caught it at the last minute... Had to run from my car in the parking lot to the deck where we jump on the train... But now that I started going to the gym every day with a bunch of colleagues, it won't be a problem for me anymore to do those runs :-)...
You will notice that today's post will be much lighter than the few previous ones... This probably means that I feel much better now than I did when I wrote the others... Not that I felt so bad then... Because my average mood is much higher than most people so my lows are really not that low... though my highs can be quite high... I know, I'm very lucky ;-)... But sometimes, it is just a question of contrasts...
For example, yesterday, I got scared... I had a few hints that something pretty bad could happen and I really didn't like the train of thoughts that it got me into. Paranomad was making its way through my brains and I know he runs a train that I have a very hard time stopping... I learned that in the last few months of my marriage, I can't really stop paranomad, believe me, I tried... And when I try something, I do everything I can do, trust me... So I decided to resolve the problem in another way, instead of trying to stop the bad train of thoughts that paranomad runs in my head, I decided to control how I react to it.
So yesterday, I did some homework and my research was providing me with very strong information contradicting my first inclination to think that something bad would happen. I still don't know what will happen, I don't have any hard proof yet, but I am still fully convinced that it won't be bad... And thus, I feel good... I feel a very big contrast between how I feel now and how I felt in the train back home last night. And contrast upward is good ;-)
Also, this little research got me to chat with a friend in a way I wasn't sure I would be able to again, because of some things that have happened between us (read the book, and you may have a clue of what I'm talking about ;-)... So I'm feeling even better now, knowing that all is well there too... And during this communication, we were talking about being aware of our weaknesses, though still acknowledging our strengths and qualities. And this is what gave me the idea of this post's title...
I think it is while I was in bed this morning, waking up a little before the alarm clock does its job (as I often do) and thinking about that conversation (for some reason), and the specific moment where I said that one of the things I like the most about myself (or that I am most proud of) is my witty sense of humor. I was thinking that it might be a little pretentious of me to say so, but I think it is something that applies in so many aspects of my life.
I'm also very very proud of being a good daddy, but my sense of humor with the kids is a big part of being a good daddy and helps me a lot... We laugh a lot together, my two daughters and I. Again this morning, they were literally rolling on the floor laughing at one point. It is also useful at my job, to have an enjoyable work environment, or socially, or even in my artistic creations...
[Little parentheses, there are a few people around me in the train reading a book, of course. I can't help but imagine the time, when I will sit in the train, and see someone reading... the book I wrote ;-)... Just like I used to imagine myself into a public place, like a mall or a gas station, and hearing one of my songs on the radio... hummmm... Yeah, I know... Pretentious :-)]
So, back to my witty sense of humor... Some people will disagree, I know... Humor is so subjective... And also, the pre-canned opinion we have about someone will have a big influence on how we appreciate their sense of humor... And I have a good example. I remember a very nice dinner with a couple of friends, many years ago, when I was still with my wife... Every time I was being funny, everybody laughed... except my wife, she heard my jokes for over 10 years, she had enough of it... But it's not just me, when my friend was being funny, we all laughed, including my wife... But not his wife... you see?...
So this, is why I asked the question, with or wihou T... Because a sense of humor that some would find witty, others would find it... Twitty! ;-) So, what do you think? Am I witty? Or am I a twit? I actually think I'm both... I'm a witty twit... ;-)
BYE
MAD
P.S.: And if you speak French, you can play a little game where you tell people you want to open a store “santé” and ask them to guess what you sell in that store. If they mention an item that doesn't have a 't' in its name, you say yes, and otherwise (if there is a 't' in the name of the item), you say that you don't sell thouse... until they guess the scheme... santé... sans T... without a T ;-)
P.P.S.: Have Fun!
P.P.P.S.: This was my 69th post on this blog... :-)
sitting in the train.. Caught it at the last minute... Had to run from my car in the parking lot to the deck where we jump on the train... But now that I started going to the gym every day with a bunch of colleagues, it won't be a problem for me anymore to do those runs :-)...
You will notice that today's post will be much lighter than the few previous ones... This probably means that I feel much better now than I did when I wrote the others... Not that I felt so bad then... Because my average mood is much higher than most people so my lows are really not that low... though my highs can be quite high... I know, I'm very lucky ;-)... But sometimes, it is just a question of contrasts...
For example, yesterday, I got scared... I had a few hints that something pretty bad could happen and I really didn't like the train of thoughts that it got me into. Paranomad was making its way through my brains and I know he runs a train that I have a very hard time stopping... I learned that in the last few months of my marriage, I can't really stop paranomad, believe me, I tried... And when I try something, I do everything I can do, trust me... So I decided to resolve the problem in another way, instead of trying to stop the bad train of thoughts that paranomad runs in my head, I decided to control how I react to it.
So yesterday, I did some homework and my research was providing me with very strong information contradicting my first inclination to think that something bad would happen. I still don't know what will happen, I don't have any hard proof yet, but I am still fully convinced that it won't be bad... And thus, I feel good... I feel a very big contrast between how I feel now and how I felt in the train back home last night. And contrast upward is good ;-)
Also, this little research got me to chat with a friend in a way I wasn't sure I would be able to again, because of some things that have happened between us (read the book, and you may have a clue of what I'm talking about ;-)... So I'm feeling even better now, knowing that all is well there too... And during this communication, we were talking about being aware of our weaknesses, though still acknowledging our strengths and qualities. And this is what gave me the idea of this post's title...
I think it is while I was in bed this morning, waking up a little before the alarm clock does its job (as I often do) and thinking about that conversation (for some reason), and the specific moment where I said that one of the things I like the most about myself (or that I am most proud of) is my witty sense of humor. I was thinking that it might be a little pretentious of me to say so, but I think it is something that applies in so many aspects of my life.
I'm also very very proud of being a good daddy, but my sense of humor with the kids is a big part of being a good daddy and helps me a lot... We laugh a lot together, my two daughters and I. Again this morning, they were literally rolling on the floor laughing at one point. It is also useful at my job, to have an enjoyable work environment, or socially, or even in my artistic creations...
[Little parentheses, there are a few people around me in the train reading a book, of course. I can't help but imagine the time, when I will sit in the train, and see someone reading... the book I wrote ;-)... Just like I used to imagine myself into a public place, like a mall or a gas station, and hearing one of my songs on the radio... hummmm... Yeah, I know... Pretentious :-)]
So, back to my witty sense of humor... Some people will disagree, I know... Humor is so subjective... And also, the pre-canned opinion we have about someone will have a big influence on how we appreciate their sense of humor... And I have a good example. I remember a very nice dinner with a couple of friends, many years ago, when I was still with my wife... Every time I was being funny, everybody laughed... except my wife, she heard my jokes for over 10 years, she had enough of it... But it's not just me, when my friend was being funny, we all laughed, including my wife... But not his wife... you see?...
So this, is why I asked the question, with or wihou T... Because a sense of humor that some would find witty, others would find it... Twitty! ;-) So, what do you think? Am I witty? Or am I a twit? I actually think I'm both... I'm a witty twit... ;-)
BYE
MAD
P.S.: And if you speak French, you can play a little game where you tell people you want to open a store “santé” and ask them to guess what you sell in that store. If they mention an item that doesn't have a 't' in its name, you say yes, and otherwise (if there is a 't' in the name of the item), you say that you don't sell thouse... until they guess the scheme... santé... sans T... without a T ;-)
P.P.S.: Have Fun!
P.P.P.S.: This was my 69th post on this blog... :-)
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Wanting and/or Dreaming
Sitting in the train... after a breakfast alone at home (which I don't do very often, I usually go to a coffee shop or wait till I get to the office). I woke up early this morning, my head still full of sweet dreams, but my heart emptied by the reality that got me out of those dreams. But now, when I look out the window and see those trees filled with white snow as if it was icing sugar, it may not completely fill my empty heart but it surely lighten it up enough to make me smile.
I have always been a dreamer... As I kid, I didn't have many friends and I spent a lot of time alone, at home, listening to music, watching movies or reading comic books, and imagining my self as the musicians I was listing to or the actors I was watching or the one who wrote the stories I was reading and I even went as far as imagining myself as the super hero in these comic books... :-)
But I was raised to play it safe, not expect too much in life, to avoid being hurt. I was also taught to have faith in destiny and karma, that if I am a good boy, do the right things, and make the right choices, it will always come back to me... And this is what I did... But I never stopped dreaming... And indeed, many great things came my way... And I never stopped dreaming...
[was interrupted this morning, so I continue on the train ride back home]
Tuesday Jan 20th, 6:18 PM
I like to think of myself as a rational dreamer. One who allows himself to dream, yet don't disillusion himself with too much certainty, to avoid the hard landing when the cloud we dream on eventually dissipates. I sometimes thought that maybe this is why I didn't succeed in fulfilling these dreams. I didn't believe in it hard enough... Though I truly believed, I was also being realistic by reminding myself that there never ever is any certainty in anything...
So I learned to want only what I knew I could potentially get, and only blame myself for not trying hard enough if I couldn't get it... I keep chasing those dreams of being the musician that others listen to, the actors that others look at or the writer that others read (but don't worry, I don't chase the dream of being a super hero, I told you I was a rational dreamer :-).
If I felt that something was completely out of reach for me, I simply stopped wanting it, there is no use in trying... Anything that I couldn't control the outcome, I could only accept it as is... One of the first time in my life where I had to painfully accept that something I dearly wanted, I could do nothing to get... Was the love of my wife... And I worked very hard for a long time to try and deserve it, win it back, until I realized, there was nothing I could do to change any of that, I just had to accept it, so I suggested we split up... It was a very tough decision... But at that point... I realized... That I didn't want her, if she didn't love me. I even convinced myself for a long time, that I didn't love her, that I never did.
I have met quite a few women since we split up, and of many different styles (I needed to experiment a lot to figure out what I really want, so I tried quite a large spectrum ;-)... Recently, as you read in previous posts, about a date, a book and other metaphors, I had found someone I really wanted... For a little while, I thought I had finally found the reciprocity I was looking for, cause I felt she really wanted me too. And thus, I did every thing I thought was right, both for me and for her, trying to figure out how I could get what I wanted... But the only way to get it, is to be wanted back... and be fully comfortable with it... And it wasn't the case... For whatever reasons...
So this morning, I realized that I'm not used to wanting something that I can not get on my own... That my own doing may not change much in the possibility of getting what I want or not. In the past, I have been very successful in simply not wanting it anymore once I realized that. Maybe this is what I need to do now... Stop wanting... Even if it would mean lying to myself and making me believe I don't want it... It might be better... for my own good... and hers... What do you think?
BYE
MAD... Making new discoveries everyday... And sharing them with you as they surface... :-)
I have always been a dreamer... As I kid, I didn't have many friends and I spent a lot of time alone, at home, listening to music, watching movies or reading comic books, and imagining my self as the musicians I was listing to or the actors I was watching or the one who wrote the stories I was reading and I even went as far as imagining myself as the super hero in these comic books... :-)
But I was raised to play it safe, not expect too much in life, to avoid being hurt. I was also taught to have faith in destiny and karma, that if I am a good boy, do the right things, and make the right choices, it will always come back to me... And this is what I did... But I never stopped dreaming... And indeed, many great things came my way... And I never stopped dreaming...
[was interrupted this morning, so I continue on the train ride back home]
Tuesday Jan 20th, 6:18 PM
I like to think of myself as a rational dreamer. One who allows himself to dream, yet don't disillusion himself with too much certainty, to avoid the hard landing when the cloud we dream on eventually dissipates. I sometimes thought that maybe this is why I didn't succeed in fulfilling these dreams. I didn't believe in it hard enough... Though I truly believed, I was also being realistic by reminding myself that there never ever is any certainty in anything...
So I learned to want only what I knew I could potentially get, and only blame myself for not trying hard enough if I couldn't get it... I keep chasing those dreams of being the musician that others listen to, the actors that others look at or the writer that others read (but don't worry, I don't chase the dream of being a super hero, I told you I was a rational dreamer :-).
If I felt that something was completely out of reach for me, I simply stopped wanting it, there is no use in trying... Anything that I couldn't control the outcome, I could only accept it as is... One of the first time in my life where I had to painfully accept that something I dearly wanted, I could do nothing to get... Was the love of my wife... And I worked very hard for a long time to try and deserve it, win it back, until I realized, there was nothing I could do to change any of that, I just had to accept it, so I suggested we split up... It was a very tough decision... But at that point... I realized... That I didn't want her, if she didn't love me. I even convinced myself for a long time, that I didn't love her, that I never did.
I have met quite a few women since we split up, and of many different styles (I needed to experiment a lot to figure out what I really want, so I tried quite a large spectrum ;-)... Recently, as you read in previous posts, about a date, a book and other metaphors, I had found someone I really wanted... For a little while, I thought I had finally found the reciprocity I was looking for, cause I felt she really wanted me too. And thus, I did every thing I thought was right, both for me and for her, trying to figure out how I could get what I wanted... But the only way to get it, is to be wanted back... and be fully comfortable with it... And it wasn't the case... For whatever reasons...
So this morning, I realized that I'm not used to wanting something that I can not get on my own... That my own doing may not change much in the possibility of getting what I want or not. In the past, I have been very successful in simply not wanting it anymore once I realized that. Maybe this is what I need to do now... Stop wanting... Even if it would mean lying to myself and making me believe I don't want it... It might be better... for my own good... and hers... What do you think?
BYE
MAD... Making new discoveries everyday... And sharing them with you as they surface... :-)
For crying out loud! :-)
Salut,
sitting in the bus, after an interesting Monday night in the town... It started with a social night with co-workers at a fondue place... So I had fondue twice in 3 days... Oh yeah, I didn't tell you about my Saturday night last minute dinner with friends... Well... Maybe... someday... but I can tell you now that it was at a fondue place in Châteauguay ;-)... And tonight, after the fondue restaurant, I went to have a pint of red beer with a co-worker and now I'm sitting in the bus to go back home... alone... but not sad...
At least not like I felt yesterday... I don't remember the last time I cried, at least not like I did yesterday... I might have had watery eyes here and there, but even that only happened very rarely in the past 20+ years... But yesterday... As I was finishing the re-write of my novel, or actually, it even started on Saturday night, while I was alone at a restaurant, working on my novel, with my laptop, I got to read some touching moments of the story that got me to wet my eyes (yes, my eyes, it is not that kind of moment :-)... And as I was typing a message to one of my friends to tell her about it, her brother (who's one of my best friends) called me to join him and a couple of friends to this fondue restaurant... we had a great time and no tears there, except maybe for laughing tears... :-)
So the next day, i.e., Sunday, i.e., yesterday, I continued working on my novel where I left off the day before and got watery eyes in a few places again, until I got to a point, where it was just too much... I broke down in tears and started crying like a baby, out loud, you know, with those sounds coming from the throat where it is hard to tell if we are crying or laughing... and the tears were flowing off my eyes and down my cheek like I don't remember seeing them do so in a looooong time...
Is it really because of the passage I was reading?... It is when my main character, a fucked up teenager raised in a fucked up family, finally decides to go sit on his dads lap, hug him as hard as he could and cry on his shoulder... Could it be because I have some unfinished business to deal with my own father?... Or was I putting my self in the shoes of that father as a father myself?... Or is it because of this new “feeling” discovery I made in the past few weeks, and that other book I was telling you about, that closed itself on me as I just discovered how much I loved reading it?... I don't know... and actually... I don't really want to know...
All I know now, is that I am able to cry (because I had really strong doubts about that in the last few years), and even while I was crying, I was almost laughing inside, happy to be feeling, even if I was actually feeling sad... At one point, I was all curled up on my couch, hugging my cushions so tight in an incomprehensible hug... It was really something... And when I finally snapped out of it and went to the rest room to get a Kleenex to wipe my cheeks, I saw myself in the mirror... Very weird... I have never ever sees myself like that... red eyes and wet cheeks... I smiled at my self... it was quite a sight...
And tonight, as I am feeling the bumps of the Champlain bridge as the bus is bringing me to my car on the south shore, after a very interesting dinner with my colleagues and then a nice beer with one of them... I feel great... Lonely, of course, but great anyway... Tomorrow night should be a music night with my partner so that we can make some progress on my novel sound track, and then I will turn into a full time solo dad for 5 days (though I have a babysitter on Friday because the guy I had a beer with tonight is throwing a party at his place, it should be fun)... And I usually don't feel as lonely when I take care of my kids... And I get the feeling, I will start feeling much less lonely even without my kids in a near enough future.... I can feel it... whatever it means... To be continued....
BYE
MAD and not that SAD after all ;-)
sitting in the bus, after an interesting Monday night in the town... It started with a social night with co-workers at a fondue place... So I had fondue twice in 3 days... Oh yeah, I didn't tell you about my Saturday night last minute dinner with friends... Well... Maybe... someday... but I can tell you now that it was at a fondue place in Châteauguay ;-)... And tonight, after the fondue restaurant, I went to have a pint of red beer with a co-worker and now I'm sitting in the bus to go back home... alone... but not sad...
At least not like I felt yesterday... I don't remember the last time I cried, at least not like I did yesterday... I might have had watery eyes here and there, but even that only happened very rarely in the past 20+ years... But yesterday... As I was finishing the re-write of my novel, or actually, it even started on Saturday night, while I was alone at a restaurant, working on my novel, with my laptop, I got to read some touching moments of the story that got me to wet my eyes (yes, my eyes, it is not that kind of moment :-)... And as I was typing a message to one of my friends to tell her about it, her brother (who's one of my best friends) called me to join him and a couple of friends to this fondue restaurant... we had a great time and no tears there, except maybe for laughing tears... :-)
So the next day, i.e., Sunday, i.e., yesterday, I continued working on my novel where I left off the day before and got watery eyes in a few places again, until I got to a point, where it was just too much... I broke down in tears and started crying like a baby, out loud, you know, with those sounds coming from the throat where it is hard to tell if we are crying or laughing... and the tears were flowing off my eyes and down my cheek like I don't remember seeing them do so in a looooong time...
Is it really because of the passage I was reading?... It is when my main character, a fucked up teenager raised in a fucked up family, finally decides to go sit on his dads lap, hug him as hard as he could and cry on his shoulder... Could it be because I have some unfinished business to deal with my own father?... Or was I putting my self in the shoes of that father as a father myself?... Or is it because of this new “feeling” discovery I made in the past few weeks, and that other book I was telling you about, that closed itself on me as I just discovered how much I loved reading it?... I don't know... and actually... I don't really want to know...
All I know now, is that I am able to cry (because I had really strong doubts about that in the last few years), and even while I was crying, I was almost laughing inside, happy to be feeling, even if I was actually feeling sad... At one point, I was all curled up on my couch, hugging my cushions so tight in an incomprehensible hug... It was really something... And when I finally snapped out of it and went to the rest room to get a Kleenex to wipe my cheeks, I saw myself in the mirror... Very weird... I have never ever sees myself like that... red eyes and wet cheeks... I smiled at my self... it was quite a sight...
And tonight, as I am feeling the bumps of the Champlain bridge as the bus is bringing me to my car on the south shore, after a very interesting dinner with my colleagues and then a nice beer with one of them... I feel great... Lonely, of course, but great anyway... Tomorrow night should be a music night with my partner so that we can make some progress on my novel sound track, and then I will turn into a full time solo dad for 5 days (though I have a babysitter on Friday because the guy I had a beer with tonight is throwing a party at his place, it should be fun)... And I usually don't feel as lonely when I take care of my kids... And I get the feeling, I will start feeling much less lonely even without my kids in a near enough future.... I can feel it... whatever it means... To be continued....
BYE
MAD and not that SAD after all ;-)
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Turning the page...
Salut,
sitting in my little lunch corner at home... This is my 66th post on this blog... and I was born in 66... Cool...
***
I got disturbed... now, over an hour and a half have passed since I wrote the first paragraph... I'm now laying on my couch, with a nice fire in the fireplace, a good CD in the sound system, and the laptop on my... lap... There isn't much missing from this picture... But there is still something missing... of course... But at one point, one has to turn the page and move on...
It doesn't mean that I will burn the book that I just turned the page of... I'll buy more wood if needed, but will never burn a book... Anyway, I wasn't done reading this one... But if it won't open itself for me, there isn't much I can do about it... I can't force it open... All I can do is clearly express my strong will to read it, as well as my understanding of the hesitations that are preventing the book from letting go... And hope it will open itself again... for me... just me... one day... maybe...
There are so many other books out there... And I read quite a few of them... But some stories touch us more than others... We sometimes feel a connection that we just can't explain... And sometimes, we just enjoy reading, in the present tense... just because we like to read... Not all books are enlightening... And I do strive for this enlightenment... Nothing less... I thought I had found it... But the book was not ready for me... Or wasn't meant for me... Only time will tell... And while I wait... I'll just keep reading... and writing... :-)
Of course, I'm also working on my own book... and this weekend, I intend to turn an important page... Now out of the metaphor, I plan on completing the re-write of my Novel this weekend... I have nothing else planned anyway (though a friend of mine offered to play some music together tomorrow afternoon, maybe... we'll see)... I had already given myself the goal of completing the re-write for January 5th, so I'll be about two weeks late... not too bad...
So I guess I should stop here... Hit the Publish message button below... Switch windows and get to work... I wish it was as easy to publish my book as it is to publish blog posts... Maybe one day it will... But for now... While I polish my re-write I also have to start the publisher hunt... So I guess I will do some research about that this weekend too... I'll keep you posted...
In the mean time... Don't forget to have fun... And read a book, or open yourself to the ones you love and let them read you... as a book... It's worth it, I told you before... Treat yourself... Spoil the ones you love!!!
BYE
MAD the writer, the book and the reader... :-)
sitting in my little lunch corner at home... This is my 66th post on this blog... and I was born in 66... Cool...
***
I got disturbed... now, over an hour and a half have passed since I wrote the first paragraph... I'm now laying on my couch, with a nice fire in the fireplace, a good CD in the sound system, and the laptop on my... lap... There isn't much missing from this picture... But there is still something missing... of course... But at one point, one has to turn the page and move on...
It doesn't mean that I will burn the book that I just turned the page of... I'll buy more wood if needed, but will never burn a book... Anyway, I wasn't done reading this one... But if it won't open itself for me, there isn't much I can do about it... I can't force it open... All I can do is clearly express my strong will to read it, as well as my understanding of the hesitations that are preventing the book from letting go... And hope it will open itself again... for me... just me... one day... maybe...
There are so many other books out there... And I read quite a few of them... But some stories touch us more than others... We sometimes feel a connection that we just can't explain... And sometimes, we just enjoy reading, in the present tense... just because we like to read... Not all books are enlightening... And I do strive for this enlightenment... Nothing less... I thought I had found it... But the book was not ready for me... Or wasn't meant for me... Only time will tell... And while I wait... I'll just keep reading... and writing... :-)
Of course, I'm also working on my own book... and this weekend, I intend to turn an important page... Now out of the metaphor, I plan on completing the re-write of my Novel this weekend... I have nothing else planned anyway (though a friend of mine offered to play some music together tomorrow afternoon, maybe... we'll see)... I had already given myself the goal of completing the re-write for January 5th, so I'll be about two weeks late... not too bad...
So I guess I should stop here... Hit the Publish message button below... Switch windows and get to work... I wish it was as easy to publish my book as it is to publish blog posts... Maybe one day it will... But for now... While I polish my re-write I also have to start the publisher hunt... So I guess I will do some research about that this weekend too... I'll keep you posted...
In the mean time... Don't forget to have fun... And read a book, or open yourself to the ones you love and let them read you... as a book... It's worth it, I told you before... Treat yourself... Spoil the ones you love!!!
BYE
MAD the writer, the book and the reader... :-)
Friday, January 16, 2009
Now what?
Sitting in the bus... My fingers are slowly melting back to normal temperature so I can type... I'm not one to complain much (as you could tell from my previous posts), but I sometimes wonder how crazy or desperate our ancestors must have been to establish themselves here.... Frozen stuff falling from the sky, so we must invent large mechanical trucks to push or pick it up so we can move around... Temperatures so low that this mechanic we invented to move around won't even work... Staying outside for too long, without adequate protection can burn your skin in a very cold way (I would rather get my butt burned on a sunny beach... but I would still wear protection anyway, I admit it... as I would if I meet someone interesting this weekend, but that is a whole other story, got it? ;-)...
Fridays... I had a Facebook status last week stating that Fridays wouldn't be the same anymore... And I knew everybody would get it wrong... And it is kind of the same this week, but for reverse reasons... Last week was because I had my kids for the weekend, and so did the lady I started seeing, so we were not going to see each other for sure for the whole weekend... But today, I dropped my kids to school this morning, and their mom will pick them up tonight and I may not see them until next Wednesday, when I pick them up at school... But I just had a 9 days streak with them, so a little 5 days break is kind of welcome... But yet... It's not the same... You know... if not... read my previous post... You'll get it...
I don't have any plans yet for the weekend... Might go see a movie, alone, or with a friend maybe... I know I want to work on my novel and start the publishers hunt. I will do some research to identify which one(s) I should target first... I'm up to chapter 15 or 18 (page 256 of 315)... I should be able to finish this weekend... Just a few week later than the deadline I had given myself, but it's OK... I had good exciting reasons for not finishing on time... And it was well worth it... :-)
Also, I want to clear my mind of some past experiences and also stop thinking too much about the future (I have a very hard time with that, I lived most of my life preparing for what was coming my way)... I need to live more in the present tense... I may have talked about that in a previous post, I don't remember, but it's OK, because I want to stop living in the past too anyway (though I didn't do too much of that in the past either, I'm not one to hold grudge or be nostalgic, at least not too much, but I still have very found memories that I cherish, anyway, I'm derailing again, let's close this way too long parenthesis, with a smile :-)...
So... As the title of the post say... Now what?... I don't know... I have no clue... No expectations... A few hopes and wishes here and there... But no expectations what so ever... I have a few friends that would love to help me go trough this, and I really appreciate it... I just need to identify how far I'm willing to go and in which direction (cause, even when we are not thinking about the future, even in the present tense, we must decide what we want to do now, what step we want to take, where to put our feet... well... in front of us, of course, but which direction do we want to face)... OK, I'm losing you now, I can feel it (maybe, I'm losing a bit of myself too ;-)...
One direction I know I want to take this winter is south... Again, I will conclude by looping back to my introduction... But it is not just because of the recent cold wave that I want to go down south, I started thinking about this trip while I was in Cuba last year with my kids and my parent... While walking on the beautiful site where we were (Playa Pesquero, near Holguin), and watching the beautiful landscape (as well as the beautiful bodies filling it :-P), I decided then, that I would go down south again next year (which is now this year), but without my kids... I have a strange feeling I already told you about that... But I can't confirm, cause... I'm sitting in the bus, enjoying the heat of my laptop battery on my... lap... So no Internet connection to go check back... Ho well...
BYE
MAD
P.S.: And don't ever forget... to have fun... whether it's hot or it's cold, it's yes or it's no... ;-)
(damn, my kids corrupted me with this Katy Perry thingy... Ho well.. :-)
Monday, January 12, 2009
An unexpected left turn...
Sitting in the train, going back home to pick up the kids... Exceptionally on a Monday since it's their mom's 40th birthday today... Her boyfriend offered her a surprise week out somewhere so I get to have the kids all week long.. Yé... And it's actually a good timing, because I had some sort of bad news yesterday... So it's good to be busy and enjoy your kids presence and not being alone during those difficult days.
The woman I was dating (as I was talking about previously), finally decided that she didn't want to continue our attempt to eventually become a couple... She has stuff to deal with inside her head that are better dealt with alone and without a partner around... Stuff about relationships of course... So I won't get into more details about the specific reasons, but it hurts to know that I wasn't able to appease her fears and help fight these demons of hers so that we could share a ride on this most interesting traveling experience called life.
Even though she says it has nothing to do with me (and I really want to believe her), I can help thinking that I must have done something wrong, or I must be the wrong guy for her, or something like that... Which is OK, since I did everything I thought was right, and if it was the wrong to do, then doing the right thing wouldn't have been from the real me, cause I was true to myself all the way, I was not playing any game or laying out any strategy there... I was just being myself, and I'm very proud of that. If I am the wrong man for her, then fine, I can't argue with that, and I won't fight a losing battle like this... We should only be with the people that are right for us... Might as well be alone instead of being with the wrong one, or being the wrong one for the other...
At least, we are both able to stay good friends, almost as much as we were before trying this out, which is a good thing, because we will keep bumping into each other, we can't really (and don't want to) avoid that... It does hurt, and it is hard to cope with... But it is bearable... It is true that it would have been easier now if I would have taken it slower and not dive in completely as I did...
Part II
Tuesday
8:05 AM
I didn't get to complete this post yesterday for whatever reasons... So I continue it this morning, still sitting in the train... In a new train actually... Not just a new time, they have different seat configurations in this train so I'm not sure yet, where I'll be more comfortable... I will have to experiment... Life is full of trial and errors... You sometimes have to fail miserably to learn and grow...
I wouldn't say that I miserably failed this week, but I did not succeed in helping my friend accept that she can be in a successful relationship whatever conditions surrounds it, if you find true love in it... And to continue where I stopped yesterday, I would be contradicting my previous posts if I would conclude that I should have been more careful so that I wouldn't be hurt as much today... As a matter of fact, I'm not “that” hurt... I only spent a few days physically with her, and a few more expressing my feelings for her in a virtual way (though I'm pretty good at that, wanna try me? :-)...
But I really felt it (yest, this F word again), and this was something completely new for me, and something that I was waiting for for so long... And with a woman that I have looking at, and thinking of for a long while too. So this is why I'm a little more hurt than I should be at this point... I also enjoyed so much when she actually told me that she was also looking at me for a while (actually, since the first time she saw me, wow) and she was also thinking of me, and even dreaming about me... What can a guy do? What a romantic guy looking to discover his emotions do? What could I do?
The only thing I could do is close my eyes and jump... The only thing I could do when she admitted her fears and uncertainties was to do everything I could and say everything I felt to help her appease her demons... And I did... And it worked for a while... But not very long... And it's OK... What else could I do when she said she didn't want to continue? I tried to convince her otherwise of course... But once I realized that her mind was set... All I could do was understand... And let it go...
And now I allow myself to suffer a bit... It was well worth it... My stomach is still upside down this morning... My breath is little longer than usual... I have a hard time sleeping and eating... But that's OK... I prefer that to the cold closure and protection I was used to... And I also prefer that to having the foot on the break pedal all the time and preventing me from enjoying all that I enjoyed since we both admitted our interest to each other... It is worth it... And I don't say that just to avoid contradicting my previous posts... I truly believe it... And will fight hard for it all my life... Life is good... It can hurt... But it's good...
As a conclusion, I will loop back to my introduction in an unexpected way (as I often do, so you are probably used to it by now). And it wasn't even on purpose... this is what my mind does to me while I write... I was telling you about the 40th birthday of the mother of my kids... And while writing this, I realize that it might have a little bit of something to do with how I feel (F word! :-) about all this... We started going out together when she was 20, and then we spent 16 and half years together... And I remember thinking at one point, that, when she turns 40, she will have spent as much time with as without me... Wow...
But it didn't happen, we split up a little more than 3 years ago... And not that I would want to go back with her... We are very good friends (very useful for the kids) and I still think very highly of her... But with all that I learned through all the mistakes I did since she left, I know she is the not the type of woman I would want to be with anymore... And anyway, she has a very nice boyfriend that I like a lot, a very good guy :-).. for her...
So I was once thinking that I would spend most of my life with someone I realize now I didn't really fit with... And if I want to have lived more than half my life with someone, I better meet her soon, or live over 100 years!!! :-) More seriously, this just convinces me more and more that if I get to find one that I feel is a (almost?) perfect fit... I have to do everything I can to make it work.. Yet... At the same time... She has to do the same... Otherwise it won't work... It takes two to Tango... And Tango is such a beautiful dance, you don't want to waste it with the wrong partner, or one that is not ready to dance with you...
Will you dance with me?
BYE
SAD... but still having fun! Somehow.. :0)
The woman I was dating (as I was talking about previously), finally decided that she didn't want to continue our attempt to eventually become a couple... She has stuff to deal with inside her head that are better dealt with alone and without a partner around... Stuff about relationships of course... So I won't get into more details about the specific reasons, but it hurts to know that I wasn't able to appease her fears and help fight these demons of hers so that we could share a ride on this most interesting traveling experience called life.
Even though she says it has nothing to do with me (and I really want to believe her), I can help thinking that I must have done something wrong, or I must be the wrong guy for her, or something like that... Which is OK, since I did everything I thought was right, and if it was the wrong to do, then doing the right thing wouldn't have been from the real me, cause I was true to myself all the way, I was not playing any game or laying out any strategy there... I was just being myself, and I'm very proud of that. If I am the wrong man for her, then fine, I can't argue with that, and I won't fight a losing battle like this... We should only be with the people that are right for us... Might as well be alone instead of being with the wrong one, or being the wrong one for the other...
At least, we are both able to stay good friends, almost as much as we were before trying this out, which is a good thing, because we will keep bumping into each other, we can't really (and don't want to) avoid that... It does hurt, and it is hard to cope with... But it is bearable... It is true that it would have been easier now if I would have taken it slower and not dive in completely as I did...
Part II
Tuesday
8:05 AM
I didn't get to complete this post yesterday for whatever reasons... So I continue it this morning, still sitting in the train... In a new train actually... Not just a new time, they have different seat configurations in this train so I'm not sure yet, where I'll be more comfortable... I will have to experiment... Life is full of trial and errors... You sometimes have to fail miserably to learn and grow...
I wouldn't say that I miserably failed this week, but I did not succeed in helping my friend accept that she can be in a successful relationship whatever conditions surrounds it, if you find true love in it... And to continue where I stopped yesterday, I would be contradicting my previous posts if I would conclude that I should have been more careful so that I wouldn't be hurt as much today... As a matter of fact, I'm not “that” hurt... I only spent a few days physically with her, and a few more expressing my feelings for her in a virtual way (though I'm pretty good at that, wanna try me? :-)...
But I really felt it (yest, this F word again), and this was something completely new for me, and something that I was waiting for for so long... And with a woman that I have looking at, and thinking of for a long while too. So this is why I'm a little more hurt than I should be at this point... I also enjoyed so much when she actually told me that she was also looking at me for a while (actually, since the first time she saw me, wow) and she was also thinking of me, and even dreaming about me... What can a guy do? What a romantic guy looking to discover his emotions do? What could I do?
The only thing I could do is close my eyes and jump... The only thing I could do when she admitted her fears and uncertainties was to do everything I could and say everything I felt to help her appease her demons... And I did... And it worked for a while... But not very long... And it's OK... What else could I do when she said she didn't want to continue? I tried to convince her otherwise of course... But once I realized that her mind was set... All I could do was understand... And let it go...
And now I allow myself to suffer a bit... It was well worth it... My stomach is still upside down this morning... My breath is little longer than usual... I have a hard time sleeping and eating... But that's OK... I prefer that to the cold closure and protection I was used to... And I also prefer that to having the foot on the break pedal all the time and preventing me from enjoying all that I enjoyed since we both admitted our interest to each other... It is worth it... And I don't say that just to avoid contradicting my previous posts... I truly believe it... And will fight hard for it all my life... Life is good... It can hurt... But it's good...
As a conclusion, I will loop back to my introduction in an unexpected way (as I often do, so you are probably used to it by now). And it wasn't even on purpose... this is what my mind does to me while I write... I was telling you about the 40th birthday of the mother of my kids... And while writing this, I realize that it might have a little bit of something to do with how I feel (F word! :-) about all this... We started going out together when she was 20, and then we spent 16 and half years together... And I remember thinking at one point, that, when she turns 40, she will have spent as much time with as without me... Wow...
But it didn't happen, we split up a little more than 3 years ago... And not that I would want to go back with her... We are very good friends (very useful for the kids) and I still think very highly of her... But with all that I learned through all the mistakes I did since she left, I know she is the not the type of woman I would want to be with anymore... And anyway, she has a very nice boyfriend that I like a lot, a very good guy :-).. for her...
So I was once thinking that I would spend most of my life with someone I realize now I didn't really fit with... And if I want to have lived more than half my life with someone, I better meet her soon, or live over 100 years!!! :-) More seriously, this just convinces me more and more that if I get to find one that I feel is a (almost?) perfect fit... I have to do everything I can to make it work.. Yet... At the same time... She has to do the same... Otherwise it won't work... It takes two to Tango... And Tango is such a beautiful dance, you don't want to waste it with the wrong partner, or one that is not ready to dance with you...
Will you dance with me?
BYE
SAD... but still having fun! Somehow.. :0)
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