Innocent until proven guilty...

Salut You,

and another bus ride, on the way to another kids night, playing taxi driver.

This year, both the dance lesson and theater class are on Thursday night (with Karate on Wednesday, the other daddy's night). With a 30 minutes offset between the Thursday classes, I get to drive Fannie at 5:15 PM, then Marilaure at 5:45, and then pickup Fannie at 6:30 and Marilaure at 7:00.... Oooof.... Fortunately, both are at the same place, and they have Wifi there, so I may decide to not come back home... Though the fridge was feeling empty this morning, I may need to cheer it up with some stuff, otherwise he may start looking at me with those eyes... You know... those eyes that make you feel guilty when you look straight into them... And get lost... in guilt...

About guilt, I'm trying to cut down on that... I don't know about you but, I get a feeling I'm not the only one with a tendency to feel responsible for so many things happening around me. Might be that "I'm so better than everyone else" syndrome that I used to suffer from as a kid, and that I might not have completely healed, maybe... But anyway, I often feel guilty when things go bad. Like if I had something to do with with it.

Especially in a relationship. I rarely blame others for anything, so since most relationships are "couples", meaning '2' person, if I don't blame the other one, what else is left?... me...

I have been fortunate enough to not have too many problems in my life so far (and I hope it will keep going like that), but I still felt guilty way more often than I deserve. I used to feel guilty as soon as I saw a police car: "what have I done wrong?", "for sure, he's going to flash his colorful lights and pull me over"... and most of the time... he didn't... If my girlfriend had sad eyes, I must have done something wrong, if she had angry eyes, I definitely did bad somehow, if she closed her eyes, OK, she doesn't want to see me again... STOP MAD STOP!!!

Don't worry, I learned, I got much better since my separation after a 16 and half year relationship with the mother of my kids (I don't like the term ex, I prefer calling here "the mother", not sure why though). In the past 3 years, I got to meet many different woman, of many different types and even learned to handle crying tears that I disagreed with ("the mother" is a very rational woman, so she very rarely cried). In my previous life, I would have done anything to stop the crying, say things like "I'm sorry, it's all my fault", expose the guilt, or actually, even worst, "invent" guilt...

And the worst of it, is when we feel guilty a priori, and we prevent ourselves from doing what we feel like (ho, this feeeel word again, what does it mean actually?). How often in my life have I prevented myself form doing or saying things just because I thought that I knew that the others around me wouldn't appreciate it?... First, even IF they didn't appreciate it, it is sometimes OK to do things that others won't appreciate. We can't all feel the same about everything. And second, even worst again, who am I to think that I can know in advance what other won't appreciate?

Of course, there are obvious things, like not deciding to strip naked in the bus just because I'm feeling very hot right now, as I type this with bright and warm sunlight coming through the window straight on my neck squeezed between two big smelly men.... I know most people won't appreciate it.... Though some might actually... Anyway, you know what I mean.

Now I scrolled up the text in my offline editor because... Well... You know... these two fat smelly men might not appreciate it if they decide to read my screen... :-)

So back to guilt, I think I could say, in a very innocent way, that there is at least one thing that makes sense in the Justice system, it is that we are presumably innocent, until we are proven guilty... And I think we should do the same with our everyday lives... Let's wait until we are totally and completely convinced that we are guilty before feeling it (anyway, what do I know about feelings)... Feel free to do as you like, as long as your heart is good, the rest should follow. think about the others around you, do things for them, it will be good for you, but the first person to treat right... Is yourself... And don't feel guilty about it...

Ho... And never forget to have fun!!! Trust me on that... IT WORKS!!!

BYE
MAD.. saying: non-guilty your Honor, I would rather plead MADness... :-)