I feel like posting in the bus...

Salut,

sitting in the bus again. Was the first one in the bus this morning, I arrived at the stop just after the previous bus left. I like that. Anyway, at this hour (8:12), there is a bus every 2 minutes. Some of the buses have a few single seats, so I choose them when I can. I know, You will say that this is so unlike me, that I would strive to sit with someone, talk to them touch them... But no... You don't know me that well...

It's like when I tell people that I'm a very rational guy... They very rarely believe me. .... Sorry for the delay, I was putting on my headphones and cranking my iPod to U2 music (Sunday Bloody Sunday)... Ho right, you're reading this asynchronously so you can't tell how long I take to write a single phrase, a word, a single letter, or how much time spend in between them... ho well...

So... People don't believe that I'm a rational guy, but I am... I was telling GG last night that I think I must have frustrated my heart somehow at one point and it doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Some say that I just listen to him... But I do... I just don't hear anything. OK, nothing at all would be exaggerated (but you know me, why stop at the exact state of things when we can add some whip cream and sugar on top of it, right? mmmm whip cream.... mmmm:-).

I think that I feel with my brains instead of my heart and guts, and I've been doing it for so long that I'm getting pretty good at it. Another thing that may influence others in thinking that I'm not so rational, is the fact that I'm very loud and demonstrative. I strongly believe that it has nothing to do with feelings and emotions. Actually, the fact that I don't have much of those, helps me being so openly blunt, there are no inhibition getting in the way.

It's like when I talk about my marriage which failed after 16.5 years. I think it was a very rational relationship, on both sides (the mother of my kids is just as bad as I am on this side, if not even worst than me, if it wasn't for the fact that she is a woman, no stereotype here, women are much closer to their emotions than us stupid men). Anyway, we had a relationship that made sens. But there is no sens in love, love doesn't make sens... Come on, admit it!

But the good side of this (thus the analogy to what I was saying above), is that our separation and divorce was totally painless. OK, the fact that we are not short on money helps (especially the fact that I don't really care about money, so giving her half of what I had, when she didn't have much herself, was OK with me, it was the "rational" thing to do, and why worry, just do it and let go). But I think that the main factor for the success of our divorce (I tell you, it really is a success, we actually get along so much better now that we are separated, it is truly amazing), it is because there are so little emotions involved...

A rational marriage is bad, but a rational divorce is great. So I think that the fact that I'm so transparent, demonstrative, loud and open, is actually a sign that I'm a rational guy, emotions don't get in the way, I just do it. "Le ridicule ne tue pas" as we say in French, but so many of us are afraid of it. I'm not, fright is an emotion, and I don't have much of those.

But, although I love the fact that I can be very expressive, I don't want to be suited only for successful divorce... I would rather have had a successful marriage... Actually, I want to have a successful relationship, with true emotions, with real love... So I must apologize to my heart for whatever I did to him, and make him talk to me again. As the emotions slowly come back in my life, I sure hope that inhibitions will not get in the way so that I can keep being open with all of you and keep the clown alive... Some people seem to appreciate it... As for the others... fuck them!

BYE
MAD... being a bad boy and not working on his novel because he would rather talk to you in the bus this morning...
We're almost there now, just a few minutes before the terminus, so just enough time for a proof read of all I said above...
Enjoy... and have fun!
8:31